Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Confirmation Sunday. Such an important day in the church year - and such a potentially profound one for those being confirmed. I say potentially because I don't know if the youth involved fully grasp what it means. Now, this is not a dig to the youth, I'm not sure if I even completely understood what it meant. It's pretty easy to get wrapped up into the glitz of the day, with the confirmands in their robes, thoughts of open houses with friends and family coming to give their best wishes. And a sort of graduation feeling - it seems that very few confirmed youth remain in the church unless they already have strong connections developed.

But, confirmation is far from an ending - it is in fact a beginning. It is the "Affirmation of Faith" - an acknowledgement of the understanding of their Baptism and of their place as a child of God. It is committment coming full circle - from the promise of the parents at baptism passed on to the promises made by the confirmands - and then branching off in all directions. But, as I mentioned earlier, I don't know how many confirmation youth see it as much more than a day where they pick out a Bible verse and have to stand in front of the church and be recognized.

I think all to often, it's hard to see what's going on when we're in the midst of things. We get too wrapped up in all of the hooplah, the excitement of the moment to really put much thought into it, or at least much thought into what it's doing to us. This is true in any situation like this though - graduation, getting a new job, getting married, starting over in a new area - anything where there is a lot of excitement going on around the situation. Now, I'm not saying that we go into a sort of stupor or anything, but I would say that we are often able to see things only on a purely academic level - we know that there is something big going on, we even know that this big thing means a big change for us - but I don't think the full emotional and spiritual brunt hits us until later. It is not until we make our way through it and are able to look back on the situation that we are able to understand and put all of the pieces together.

What happens when we don't take that time to step back? Some situations force it, at least to some degree - marriage, starting a new job - things that produce very evident changes that require us to live our lives differently than before. But, with things like confirmation and graduation, we aren't necessarily forced to make those realizations immediately. What are we missing if we don't make them until later, or at all?

Okay, slight change in direction. Today also happens to be Reformation Sunday. A day marking a VERY big change - the reforming of the Roman Catholic church. Luther, his 95 Theses - someone who had taken a step back to realized that some of the changes he saw occurring were not right. He took action - spoke out -- and began the process that would eventually create a whole other different church. Changes had been made in the Catholic Church that he didn't agree with...and Martin Luther took the time to see, to understand, and then act out against what he saw happening.

Okay, so, Reformation - real big change for the church - Confirmation - ? Well, though it might not seem like as big a deal, it truly is. It marks becoming an adult in the church - and marks a proclaimed affirmation of the adoption by God that took place at their baptism. Now, like I asked before, what happens if these kids don't step back and take time to understand what their Confirmation means? To me, it means that the opportunity for them to act with that new understanding is taken away. By encouraging them, by finding out from them what it means for them to be confirmed, we are forcing them to act with that new experience under their belt. We are forcing them to act in different circumstances. And, we are helping them to act in a way that is shaped by their faith. It is a big deal - let's help them understand. After all, it's only the beginning.

Time heals all...

Time is a strange thing. Time can go fast or slow, time is eternal. Time makes us age, time can tear people apart, and it can draw them together. The smallest amounts of time can have incredible effects on our lives. One second can mean the difference between life and death. And of course there's that addage, 'Time heals all wounds." But, is it healing that time is doing. or is it simply there to teach us to understand different parts of our life in different lights?

I find it fascinating to look at my past...what little of it is there in the last 23 years of my life. It doesn't seem like a long period of time, comparatively, but so much has happened in those 23 years. Maybe these ruminations come out of me having just had a birthday, or maybe they simply come from the myriad changes that have taken place in my life in the last 6 months...well, last year or so. Either way, I just think it is amazing how lucky, how crazy, how unbelievable things have been.

A year ago I was just a couple months into my senior year of college, working on my senior thesis, woking at a job I loved, and generally happy. I was just beginning to look for a job, and well, I got the chance of a lifetime - a shot at trying for a full time job at the church I'd been working at for the past year. It seemed too good to be true...and I was terrified, and ecstatic at the same time. So, I applied...and I waited. Then I interviewed, and I waited. So many things were going through my mind as I talked to friends and staff about what was going on...and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether or not I was really capable of fulfilling the job duties should I be given the chance. So, I spent lots of time going over all the different scenarios that could result from whatever the verdict was. And then all of the sudden the waiting was over...I was at a camp reunion when the phone call came. I got a message, and the tone voice on the other end of the line was enough...and the phone call that followed was one of the hardest I've ever had. I didn't get the job. I didn't know what to feel - part of me was surprised, part of me wasn't, part of me was fine, part of me was not.

Again, I spent a lot of time thinking - and waiting. Waiting to go back to work, waiting to talk to my coworkers about what had happened, and even waiting to talk to some friends about another potential job now that I hadn't gotten this one. And, more than anything else...waiting to see how I would react when I worked under the person who had gotten the job that I'd been trying for.

I'd like to think that I got over things fairly quickly, and even moved on a couple months later as I met the new employee, and even applied for another job. I really did handle things a lot better than I had expected to, and I think in part, maybe that was what happened as I forced myself to cope - I think sometimes our pretending becomes reality when we realize we are capable of carrying ourselves the way we want to - and even capable of doing things genuinely. I began to understand that I really did believe that things happened the way they did for a reason, and I jumped into my other job search. In the meantime, I had finished my senior thesis, I had fought back and forth with a friend who was a self mutilator, and I was really starting to understand that my college career was coming to a close.

This second job search was a strange one - I'd heard about the opening from my brother first - he'd heard it announced at chapel one morning where he was going to school. I sort of heard it and forgot about it...tucked it away as I was waiting to hear on other options. Then, a month or a month and a half later, I found it again, this time posted on a job website. Also, about two days before, my mom had asked me if I'd applied for it. So, on a whim, I applied, sent in my resume, and waited. Basically in my mind, this job was an indicator...if I got it, that meant I wasn't supposed to take a job I'd been offered at home, if I didn't get it, I was supposed to pursue that job. But the waiting this time around was a lot different...a few days later, I got a call from one of the pastors, asking me if I had any questions, and telling me that someone would be calling me for a phone interview in a couple of days. Then I had the phone interview, a week later I had a first interview, a week and a half after that I had a second interview, and a week after that, I got a call offering me the job. I was sitting listening to a jazz concert, took the phone call, went back, and didn't say anything to any of the people I was with. I was kind of in shock. 5 weeks before I had applied...and now potentially had a job...two months before graduation. I told my best friend in the car on the way home...and over the course of the next week or so, the rest of the people I worked with at my current church found out the news too.

The response startled me...an incredible amount of excitement the day after...and I was still trying to decide at that point. But standing in my senior pastor's office, with all the other pastors and half the staff, seeing their excitement, I knew at that moment, though I didn't understand it, that I knew I needed to take the job. I didn't necessarily know why, and the thought of leaving this family scared me, but I knew it was what I needed to do. So I called the church back that afternoon, a full day before I said I would, and accepted the position.

The two months that followed were a blur as I talked to my new staff for the first few times, finished up my last few classes, and tried as hard as I could to suck up every bit of insight and information from those around me in hopes that I would be better prepared for my new job.

Leaving that church was one of the hardest things I've done...I had truly found a family and some kindred spirits there. But, those same things that made it so hard to leave also prepared me for what was to come--not so much because I knew what I was doing, but because I knew I had all of them standing behind me.

Now fast forward five months. I've been working and living in my new community...for better or for worse...and mostly for better. I love my new job, even though it's constantly filled with challenges. Any time I think I've got a handle on things, I get thrown for a loop, but honestly, I don't think I'd have it any other way.

But, as I mentioned earlier, much earlier, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had a chance for the first time to visit my college home a couple weeks ago, and got a chance to sit and talk to a good pastor friend of mine at the church I left, and had a discussion with him that made me think even more, but on a totally different tangent. A few days before I'd come to visit, I was talking to another friend from there, and was asked if I was ready to come back yet. My answer surprised even me - no. Yes, I miss everyone like crazy...but, even if I was given a shot at that job again, right now, I wouldn't take it. I couldn't. I have a connection here - several of them, actually, though I don't understand all of them. And, just tonight, I came to another realization. Though there are days that in my head I think I should want to come back, I know in my heart and soul that I don't. I miss my family there...but I belong here. Which leads me to the end of my convo with my former pastor - he followed my musings by answering with, 'you know what--I think that's a calling. I think you've found a calling there, and that's why you feel this way.' I was shocked, honored, amazed...all of the above. Partly because I feel like that is something I've been searching for for so long, and didn't find until I stopped looking so hard for it, partly because I think it's scary for me to have a calling and not feel like I have everything I need to fulfill it, but mostly because it made perfect sense.

It may seem I've gone a long way off my original point, but actually, I've finally arrived at it. Being able to have the feeling of being called makes my perspective change on so many things. It makes me understand how I can be content here even when I don't feel like I should be. It makes me understand why I need to go through difficulties here. It makes me understand period. It made me see in a new light. The old wounds are still there...I can remember them, I can even feel them sometimes when I think about them. But, I see them differently now. I understand why they had to hurt, and I understand why I had to undergo them in the first place. And I've got some wicked scar stories to tell too. :)

You CAN go back home...

Thursday was a great day. I went with the three pastors from my church to a local ELCA conference, which, interestingly enough, was being held at my home church. Not only was I excited to be hanging out with my partners in crime, I was also excited to be doing so in a place where I was familiar with and had connections to.

The ride over was fun in itself...pastors have such entertaining stories to tell. Past experiences, different encounters, all of it makes for quite the interesting life. When we got there, the day got even better--as soon as I walked in the door, I saw someone I knew...and was greeted thereafter with a number of hugs and "welcome homes." It was a different experience than I am used to as of late, living in a new town...and for me to be in a place with my new colleagues and friends, and for me to be the one comfortable and familiar with my surroundings was such a fun experience.

Being somewhere with 30 other pastors is nothing short of amazing. Listening to stories, connections, and recent events is a blast, and especially being in my hometown area, there is no shortage of connections to be discovered.

On another tangent...the topic of discussion for the day was the new ELCA church hymnal, the Evangelical Lutheran Worship, or ELW. It is meant to replace the LBW Green Hymnal, and the With One Voice hymnal, and contains not only many new worship settings, but also new and updated renditions of some of the older hymns.

I wonder what it means for us to be updating our church hymns into newer, more upbeat, more contemporary songs, while many of our contemporary Christian music artists are now going back to hymns for their music, even some of the older hymns. What a strange relationship...

What it means to be alone

I was out on another walk today, and not too long after I left my apartment, I found this tiny shoe lying on the side of the road. I picked it up, awed at it's size, and admired it as I continued to walk. It had to be for a newborn, either that, or a doll. But, there was only one. Completely worthless. Or was it?

Farther down the trail, as I was walking through the leaves that were covering the path, I looked over towards the bottom of a tree, and right there was a group of beautiful purple flowers growing by themselves. I looked all around that area, and could find no others among the yellow and brown leaves. They too were alone, a last glimmer of life among the dead leaves of fall.

I can understand that shoe and those flowers. I myself am in that postion right now, a transplant, a bit of a loner. After graduating from college and moving to a new town to start a new job. I've been here for four and a half months already, but I've only been here for four and a half months. I've been asked several times if this place feels like home yet, and I think almost every time I have answered yes. But, as I was walking along today, thinking about that question, I came to another conclusion. I think I maybe don't feel quite like this is home yet, but I do feel like I belong here.

Like the shoe, I am not yet complete here, and I haven't developed a lot of the close relationships that would truly make this place feel like home. In some places and with some people it is starting to feel like home, but the full transition has not yet occurred. But like the flowers, though I am somewhat out of my element, I am still growing here, and I am learning in the process. In any case, I am here, and I am doing my best to figure out where I fit, and what my purpose is here. It's ongoing, and I think it will be for quite some time. Here's to anyone that is finding their place in life - you'll make it.

Majesty

I was out on a walk on a trail not far from my apartment, and one of my favorite things to do is to go off the trail and explore in the woods, because I have noticed that there are often tiny little out of the way trails that wind around just a few feet from the edge of the lake. I think I've taken as many of them as I can find...although on my adventures last night, I noticed that there seems to have been an explosion in the growth of these wonderful stinging plants that grow right near the ground. I was wearing cutoff pants, so my adventures got cut short.

I walked a little farther down the trail, and came upon another trail that cut into the woods, this one seemed a bit more clear. I walked down into the woods to the edge of the lake, and found a couple of trees that had grown so close to the water that they had begun to tip into the water, and their branches grew out and then down back into the water, making this shaded little cove.

I climbed up the tree a little ways until I was suspended above the water, and I sat there thinking about what we think of when we hear trees. People make metaphors about them all the time, how we should be like trees because they have deep roots that anchor them, and tall branches that reach toward the sky. Well, this tree's roots may be deep into the ground, but they didn't help it stand tall, and the top of the tree curved back toward the ground, not up toward the sky.

However, I think this tree provided perhaps what I considered to be quite a beautiful scene there by the lake, and made an amazing spot to sit and ponder life. This tree had begun to tip...but had not fallen, had tried to grow up, and instead grew out. By normal standards, this tree was a bit of a failure. It's beauty, however, was not affected by its lot in life. It still held its ground, was still a tree, just happened to be a tree in different surroundings and condtions. What if we could respond in such a way...to be bent, but not break, to be forced into less than ideal conditions, and still find a way to let our beauty come through?

Apocalyptica

We live in a world full of darkness. A world where your next step could be your last, where being in the wrong place at the wrong time could mean getting in the way of someone's crime, where stepping in to help settle an argument could mean the wrath of the assailant falls on you. A world where innocent children are murdered, and where people die for living good lives, and where evil men and women reign over us. Yeah, it's a dismal outlook at life, and it may seem pessimistic but....

I was talking to a good friend of mine earlier tonight, and during a relatively short phone conversation, he told me that earlier that evening, he and some of his housemates were outside their house in the cities, and they heard what sounded like very close gun shots. They headed back in the house, called 911, and waited. They ended up finding out later that someone a few houses down from them was murdered. It scared me. People who are innocent end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, get in the way, and end up the victim. What if he had been down the road a little ways? Could it have ended up being him instead? And just a day or so ago...I heard news of a fight at a local high school, where a handfull of students ended up getting suspended, and a couple of teachers and administrators almost ended up on the receiving end of some blows. What is happening here? What if one of those kids hadn't missed? What if they would have completely lost their tempers?

We can play 'what if' forever. And, truthfully, there are dangers everywhere. Always. This was not a once in a millenium occurrence...stuff like this happens all over the world every day. So, it seems we are left with a choice. We can cower in fear, succumbing to the threats of evil, or we can live, knowing that life is precious, and appreciating the lives we are given. We can pray that God gives us opportunities to show love in a world of hate, and we can pray that God gives us the strength to overcome when bad things do happen to us and those we love.

Let us come together, let us live with courage and faith....and let us believe that there is something more to life than this dim world.