I can't believe it's been over a month and a half since I last posted. That seems like an eternity, and a LOT has happened since I last posted too. It's been a rollercoaster, although, truthfully, there are few periods of life that aren't. At least for me. That is not to say that my life is constantly either really good or really bad...just that a lot of different stuff is always making me rethink the way I look at life. It's fascinating, really, even now, for me to look back just over the last two months at all that has happened...and particularly at my attitudes toward it.
Rewind back to January. Christmas is over, and January proved to be far busier than I ever would have imagined. Between activities, meetings (of course all during the same week), and a ministry team that was coming to town, January went by both in a blur, and slow as a turtle. How is that possible? I really don't know...I'm not even going to try and explain it. Part of the turtle-like pace is owed to the fact that on February 1st, I got to head off to Tampa for a youth ministry conference, not only to a place that was a good 70-80 degrees warmer than where I had left from, but also to a time that I got to spend with some of my best friends - staff from the church I worked at during college.
It's funny, because coming back from the week, I was wondering where all the time there had gone, and exactly what I had spent it doing. I mean, I went to some workshops, took part in many different sessions morning and night where we not only got to hear incredible music, but also listen to speakers talk about anything from the Holy Spirit working through baptism in a dumpster full of water to how God can work in a church where the liturgy might contain phrases from Dr. Seuss. Around 600 people were gathered at this "youth gathering" for Youth Leaders, and the mix was nothing short of amazing...it seemed sometime that often only a couple of people separated you from the next person. Hundreds of connections made and understood, and more stuff crammed into your mind than you often come across in 6 months of normal life.
Now, what part of that lit the fire under my butt that has been my driving force since I came back? I don't know. Maybe it was taking commuinion with 600 other people that understood you and your struggles, the names of silly games you could rattle off, or simply what it means to spend your days dealing with and ministering to the joys and sorrows that kids face each day. Maybe it was having time to hang out with and talk to the people I consider to have given me my start and grounding in my ministry. Or maybe, it was simply being open to the possibilities of how God works in people. In reality, probably a combination of all three things.. and a few others that I'm not even consciously aware of.
But with that new "fire" of sorts came a lot of other things - making me think a lot more about my position in all of this. I'm a youth director. I'm 23. I've been in my post for less than a year...where do I fit? I just graduated college, and am in a situation where some of my superiors have been doing their thing for almost as long as I've been alive. I still wonder, a few times a week, how I ended up where I am, what someone saw in me when they decided I should come and work for them, and with them. I feel very fortunate, to have found this job, and to enter in to the dynamic I have, with two pastors that care very much about the youth, care very much about me, and care very much about the church.
All of this is a very roundabout way of getting to what may, or may not really be my point - trying to understand change in the church, how it happens, why it needs to happen, and what happens when that change is either impossible, unlikely, or simply not occurring. How do you tell the difference? There are things that I see happening here now that I wish I could change, or want to see change, and I don't know if I can help that along, be the instigator, or just bring it up. And what happens if I don't bring up the things that are on my mind? What happens if I bring it up and nothing happens? What happens if the things I bring up have been tried, and I'm merely trying to repeat the past without even knowing about it? Now, with all of that said, this place, with what I've seen, is far from stagnant. Things are happening. Things are changing. Things are being done now. When do you reach the point where new ideas, however hopeful, are just not practical? I wish I knew. I left a discussion just the other day feeling frustrated, not at the people at it, but at the situation more than anything...and being frustrated, yet again, at my greenness (if that's even a word). I want to understand more than I do. I hate being inexperienced. I hate knowing there are things I want to do and not knowing how to do them. However, sometimes I feel like that frustration becomes a driving force, or at least it should. I can choose to dwell on that frustration and have it tie me down to the things I know I can't do yet, or I can take it and run with it, use it to grow, to learn, and to move on.
This is perhaps one of the most obscure and fractured posts I have put up thus far - with I don't know how many different ideas, thoughts, and tangents. However, I think I just figured out, or heard, the only way I think I can finish it. Amidst my ranting, I heard on the radio the one song that never fails to make me just stop, take a breath, and smile. This song sums up anything I've said better than I could ever hope to, so if you've made it this far without giving up reading, please take one more minute and read the lyrics to this song, stop, smile, and then move on.
Find Your Wings
Mark Harris
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow
Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings
May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories
Chorus
It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly...
Chorus
Live. Love. Laugh. Grow. FLY.
