Hop on the boat...

I had such an awesome day yesterday - rekindling an old friendship - I am constantly amazed and feel very blessed when I stumble across one of those relationships that might not be a best friend, but something clicks - you get each other - and you can be apart for months or even years, but you can get back together again and it's like you were never apart. We had coffee and talked for a long time about our lives and what's happened in the past year and a half, lots of stories, lots of change.

We went to see Evan Almighty also - definitely would recommend seeing that movie. It's very thought provoking - particularly one line when "God" is talking to Evan's wife Joan (Joan of Ark - hehe), and she is struggling with the fact that her husband seems to have lost all touch with reality - sitting in a restaurant with her kids after leaving to move in with her mother until things blow over. He asks her, "Let me ask you something: if someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience, or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" Her face changes - and she starts to reconsider. She had prayed for her family to get closer, and failed to see what was happening right in front of her eyes.

We always want something to be handed to us, and forget to look at what is right there - we are being given answers by God all the time, but fail to see them because we are expecting to see one specific thing. God does not work within boundaries. God does not work within time constraints. God works in ways that force us to change our attitudes and preconceived ideas about the way our lives - and life in general - are supposed to run.

A few weeks back one of my pastors preached a sermon about dead men walking - It was a play off of one of the stories where Jesus ressurects a man. Jesus had gone to a town called Nain, and ressurrected a woman's son. (Luke 7:11-17) He went on to talk about the "dead men walking" right around us every day - kids with life the life sucked out of them, young adults that walk around like zombies because society has drained them of the joy they had - they are being forced to grow up too fast and to deal with things that children shouldn't have to deal with. This happens in the church as well - things happen, and we slowly start to lose the vibrance and life that we had because we sink into ruts and keep expecting hand outs when we aren't contributing anything of our own.

Jesus didn't act out of sympathy. He didn't speak teary eyed with cliches - but rather, he calls upon his authority as God's son. We can do the same. We must act with compassion. No one deserves God's love. NO ONE. But God looks upon us with compassion - and JUST GIVES LOVE. We are to do the same thing. We must shake ourselves from our stupors that life has put us in, and move. Live. Love.

SEE THE JOY!!

He Touched Me - Hymn

Shackled by a heavy burden, 'neath a load of guilt and shame,
Then the hand of Jesus touched me, and now I am no longer the same.

He touched me, oh He touched me.
And oh, the joy that fills my soul,
Something happened and now I know,
He touched me and made me whole.

Since I met this blessed Savior, since He cleansed and made me whole,
I will never cease to praise Him, I'll shout it while eternity rolls.

He touched me, oh He touched me.
And oh, the joy that fills my soul,
Something happened and now I know,
He touched me and made me whole.

Amen. SEE THE JOY!!

A Day in the Life...numero cuatro

I almost am not sure even what to put here for today - it's been amazing. I had so much fun at dinner tonight - an hour and a half long "conversation" with the counselors and Mitsu and Alli that had us all rolling - evil elmo, dancing monkeys with bright pants, and the peanutbutterjelly time banana doing the salsa in people's brains. Add that to conversations about special brownies, songs about photoshopping love, and other random episodes, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. It was wonderful. This week has been such a great thing for me - and I am so glad I let myself enjoy the time I spent here...or at least got my mind off work enough to enjoy it.

Tonight was the mime that the staff puts on...and I found that the prevailing thought in my head was one that centered around wanting to feel the joy and fire that those who come to know Christ through adversity feel. We truly do have it easy, and I don't think I know what it really means to thirst for God the way they do. I want that feeling, I want that renewed passion and hope that I feel like I've lost some of. It was beautiful and thought provoking, a wonderful end to the week.

We spent part of the afternoon watching the weather and trying to see if it was going to storm on us - turns out all we really got was a lot of wind and a few drops of rain. I got up early enough this am to see the sunrise - it was gorgeous and I got a few beautiful pictures of it also. I ran into Mitsu on the way back and got to talk to him a bit, got my tye dye back, and headed up to staff devo time. That was also really cool...Pastor Alan talked about what it meant to be a water bearer for Christ - and that we may not get to see all of the changes that take place because of the miracles that are performed, but we do get the privilege of knowing that miracles are happening. The story of 4 funerals and a wedding, and the two weddings...Isaac's wife, and the wedding at Cana. We are truly blessed to be asked to carry out God's work, though it may be difficult at the time, the things we learn from taking part are unbelievable.

Tomorrow I go home, and I pray now and continually that I am able to take some of my excitement back. This truly was an amazing week that I got to share with incredible new friends...Camp is indeed a spirit filled place...Praise God for it.

A Day in the Life...numero tres

So, I am ready for bed and I learn that my parents and grandparents are both under severe thunderstorm warnings AND tornado warnings...ugh...I am really hoping it's all just a scare...I just got done saying this evening that I was bummed that I haven't seen a tornado before, but I always put the tag on it that I don't want it to be coming anywhere near me... the same is true of my family. Yikes.

This post is late, and while it is true that I technically missed a day, it was only by 5 minutes. I really had a lot going through my mind today - a lot about people. The arts and crafts/drummer guy here at camp has been on my mind...and what his life is like below the surface. He's known around camp as something of a crazy presence, which he is, but I have to wonder sometimes what and who he is when the craziness isn't around - and for that matter, if people take the time to realize that there is another side to him than what they see 90 percent of the time. His history is both fascinating and and interesting, and he's been at camp here doing his thing for at least 15 years. It's been so much fun to talk to him this week - he is remarkably passionate about what he does. When he plays his djembes and drums, you can tell that he is feeling the music when he plays, completley lost in it. He loves teaching arts and crafts, "hobnobing with the kiddos," etc. And just hearing his perspective on things at mealtime conversations and, I dunno, I really have a heart for him, and really hope others take the time to listen to him and to see below the surface. I'm going to miss seeing him when I leave this week...he's a great guy.

I got home Tuesday night to find that one of my camper's grandma had died. It was odd not being there for it...but when I got back Wenedady morning, she seemed alright - given the circumstances. She left not too long after lunch though, and should be back Wed. afternoon.

Yesterday was beautiful, I got a chance to hop in the lake for a bit, do some tye dyeing, and rock out to some worship songs. I also went to Bible study with my girls, which was cool and made me think (post about that to follow later) The camper talent show and camper led worship was that evening also, and despite an interesting choice of joke and some rowdy kids, it was pretty great. We left worship after being cooped up in chairs for two hours, and i was so wound up I could hardly sit still. We went down to the dock last night after dark and watched the lightning off in the distance for a while, then came back and had a conversation about the changing face of youth ministry - and what our kids really need - and how we give that to them.

I love camp.

A Day in the life...numero dos

Alright, so today begins with a recap of yesterday. I am growing to love meals more and more every day - it's a chance to be with some fellow ministry folk and hear stories, crazy, funny, interesting, and well, sometimes just plain wrong. What can you do.

I got a chance to take part in some water games with one of the cabins yesterday which was a blast, and a lot of fun to see the kids work together and have a good time at it. (and our team won - WOO!) The day was good, and after supper, we did something called prayer PARTS (praise, ask, repent, thank, share) which are all different words to represent the way we pray. The overall message was good, however, I think I was a little too preoccupied by a group of kids that thought they would just not pay attention and make fun of basically the whole process. I find sometimes that I have very little patience for the "popular" crew - at least the ones who make it their business to make it known that they are indeed better than those around them. I spent half the evening watching the little cliques move around together and hardly mingle at all with the others. Sad...alas...I'm not in charge...it's not my place.

I got to spend campfire with my girls - that was a blast. I've also gotten to spend a lot of time talking to one of the other sponsors that's here that is almost my same age - it's nice to be able to hang out together. I also really like getting chances to talk to the counselors - I'm back in my element here at camp. It's fun looking at them and remembering my days at camp as a counselor - even though it seems like it was an eternity ago - not just a couple years. Your life was contained in a backpack, worship leading was second nature, being goofy is just expected almost...yeah. What a great place. I drive myself nuts though watching procedure and dynamics and different ways things are done - I think I am doomed to forever criticize the way things are done at other camps. However, I do really like this one - I really think they've got some things figured out.

I've been thinking about how much fun it would be to do something either the tail end of this summer or the beginning of next summer with the kids and doing camp out nights - fires do amazing things to kids. It brings out something in them that you just can't produce any other way - I don't know what it is. But, how cool would it be to have a bunch of kids out, do a game, then sit them down around a fire and do a Bible Study and sing songs? So simple, and yet so powerful...

This morning I got the privilege of leading the staff in a devotion for the morning, and I chose to do one out of a book called Ordinary Joy, which I found at Synod Assembly last weekend and realized it was one that I had been meaning to get. The first story in the book sets the tone for the rest of it - a conversation between a photographer and a student:

"Look closer."

"I am looking closer," I said, frustration rising in my throat. "I've been staring at this bicycle now for two hours, and all I see is a bicycle."

"Then look closer," Rich urged.

I was taking photography lessons from my friend Rich, who, in another time and place, had been a photojournalist. the key to taking interesting pictures, Rich explained, was in learning not to just look at an object, but to see it with fresh eyes, to recognize what is present but unnoticed. Rich gave me an assignment: take thirty-six pictures of the same object. Each composition had to be different, not because of a change in surroundings, but because it reflected a different point of view. Since I was a cycling enthusiast, I chose my bike.

The assignment seemed easy at first: Here's my bike from the front. this is my bike from the back, from the side, here's a view from the top...now what? This was impossible. I squeezed off about ten frames, and I was stuck. There was nothing left to see, no pictures left to take.

"Look closer."

I threw up my arms to make sure Rich knew how unreasonable he was being, again leaned in toward the bike and wondered what he could see that I was missing. "It's easy for you," I grumbled. "You've trained your eyes to recognize beauty. All I see are a few metal tubes and a couple of wheels." That's when I noticed the graphic pattern the spokes made as they flared out from the wheel hub, intersecting each other in a pattern called 'lacing.' I grabbed my camera and moved in tight for a close-up. Glancing toward the handlebars, I realized how gracefully the brake cables curved and how interesting they were from this angle. Soon I could see how bits of dirt and grease clung to the chain, creating miniature mountain ranges.

Rich taught me a fundamental principle of photography that day: Look closer. If you want to see beauty, learn to view ordinary things in new ways.

*****************************

Life's joy reveals itself not only as we encounter a Savior who weaves himself into the fabric of routine living, but as we act on his invitation to rediscover the significance of serving him in ordinary ways. The most inconsequential detail of a servant life carries with it all the power of God's grace, for Jesus transforms the ordinary things we do into something more.

"Look closer," my friend reminded me. That's pretty good advice. Rather than seeing the ordinary as something to be avoided or a source of discontent, look closer. Peer deeper. Joy arrives when you discover God's fingerprints on the surface of each day.

-Excerpted from Ordinary Joy by Joe Campeau

Now, this afternoon I am home for a while, and back again tomorrow. See the beauty. Everywhere.

A day in the life of...numero uno

So, I'm off at camp. And I just decided that it would be a good idea for me to write a post every day that I'm here, since it seems that part of my coming to camp (at least in my own head) is a chance for me to be able to remove myself a bit and just have time to be, to think, to relax. I am getting there - I've still got one thing hanging over my head that is making it difficult to let go of work and of life at home, but with any luck, I'll be done with it (at least mostly done) by today, and then I can really let go.

I got to go out on a bike ride today for just a little while, and I managed to find a little beach in a state park and I walked along it in my bare feet for a while. The water was so clear - a far cry from the murky ones at home. I'm hoping that later on this afternoon if the sun comes out, maybe I can sneak away again and go for a swim.

This morning was really good, although I didn't get a chance to go for a run like I'd hoped I would. Sleep just sounded so much better... but I got up, had breakfast, and then spent the better part of an hour hanging around and talking with 4 of the other sponsors that are here at camp with their kids. We talked about books, our churches, people, all kinds of things. One of the guys that is here is originally from Australia, so it was interesting to hear some of his input on things. I am also always amused by hearing the conversations pastors have with one another - it cracks me up. Stories about church horrors, funny things that happen, crazy people, other crazy pastors - so funny to listen to. I guess that's what happens when you put a bunch of leaders in a room together - they compare. I suppose just about anyone does that though, myself included...

May the Lord bless us and keep us...no matter what...

What happens when someone tells you to dream what a staff would be like if you could start over from scratch - with a blank slate - from the beginning - ? Is that even possible? Where is scratch - where is the beginning? Who should get to be a part of that process? Can those whose roles fall within the parts being redesigned accurately see what needs to be different? Can we do it without those people?



Is it even possible to wipe a slate clean? After all, it would seem that pretty much everything makes a mark these days - and often the marks are lasting. Some will fade with time, but rarely is an occurrence ever completely forgotten. And, for that matter, beginning a new era - or ending an old one - leaves a mark all its own.

**************************************************************************************

If someone would have told me that the outcome of the above scenario would have happened the way it did, I dont know if I would have believed them. I still don't know if all of it has sunk in yet...I still sort of feel like it's a dream, that the part of my life this surrounds is just locked in a haze or something. And in all honesty, it probably is kinda hazy - did it really only happen a week ago? Is that even possible? It seems unreal that it's only been a week, that it's been a week, that it even happened at all, that so little has happened since IT happened...

I've been so busy since that I've hardly had time to even deal with it - I feel like I am almost as guilty as everyone else as shoving it onto the back burner...or completely off the stovetop. I talked to one of the bearers of bad news yesterday for the first time since the deed was done, and he asked me how I was doing, and I told him that I've been so busy that I haven't really had that much time to think about it, and he replied by saying, "well, maybe that's good." All I really wanted to do was look him in the eye and go, "yeah, that's exactly it. It has gone so 'seamlessly', namely because unless I am totally wrong, the 'seamlessness' is only by virtue of the fact that HALF THE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW ABOUT IT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still wonder if people really understand what it is they've done...

In the blink of an eye...

It seems like just yesterday there was snow on the ground...and I don't know why, but today for the first time as I was looking outside...I started noticing just how green the trees were getting, and how green the grass was...I think it just took me by surprise because I am a fairly observant person...and either the trees changed overnight...or I am seriously slacking off.

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

The lyrics above are from a song by MercyMe called "In the Blink of an Eye." I've heard it probably 20 times at least...but I never really knew the words...especially the ones in the second verse. They do such a good job of summing up how I feel lately - Sometimes I feel disappointed,
By the way I spend my time, How can I further Your kingdom, When I'm so wrapped up in mine - I feel like I've been wasting everyone's time lately...and my own. I feel like I haven't been fair to the kids I minister to - because I haven't been putting my heart into what I'm doing. My attitude toward what I've been doing has been so selfish...I get frustrated thinking the thing I do is going to fail because I won't have enough kids at it, and then I don't plan for it well enough, and then I get frustrated at myself...it's this vicious cycle..and I need to get myself out of it.

So...what does all of that mean then? I'm not sure. #1) I can't wait until summer is here. However, my summer is crazy busy too...so I'm not sure how many of my goals and random projects I will get done. Oy. #2) I really need to look at how I am spending my time...and remember that working at a church doesn't count for keeping my own faith life in check. #3) I need to search out people that I can learn from and grow from...some that are around here.

Just another day...

Mercy and Grace...

I had a chance to see something beautiful tonight. Or rather, several beautiful things. Today is Good Friday. I've always found that name so strange - since it marks the death of Jesus on a cross - a cruel, senseless death. But, it truly was, and is, a good Friday - for things do not come from nothing.

Jesus' resurrection could not have taken place if it weren't for his death. Plain and simple. It seems clear that this was the only way we could receive such a gift - though many may argue that it need not have been so gruesome.

I said earlier that I saw beautiful things today. Perhaps a better way of putting it would have been that I was made aware of the beauty of things tonight. As I sat tonight in our Good Friday service, I was in awe. I left my apartment thinking that I was already getting churched out with holy week, and by the time the choir had sung the first song of their contata, my attitude had changed. I listened to the music, heard the words of the passion story read, saw the candles going out one by one as the moment of Christ's death came closer in the reading...and found myself close to tears a few times. I saw the beauty in the way the choir sang, saw a mother brushing the hair out of her child's face, saw the beauty of a conversation with a friend. And even after the service was over, people just seemed to be very at ease - smiles and conversations were seen everywhere. And when I finally left the church...even then I found myself thinking back to different parts of the service - and of the drama I was able to witness the evening before - a last supper drama put on by men from our church - a first time shot that drew a crowd of over 700.

I catch myself thinking sometimes that I wonder if things like Easter, Lent, even Christmas at church will lose their meaning as I see them more and more. After all, within reason of course, things are the same every year - we always have a candlelight service at Christmastime. We always have a Sunrise Service on Easter. We always strip the altar on Maundy Thursday. Things like that - and yet, I feel like I would feel lost without their presence. That is because our attitudes and outlook change every year, and we see each thing with different experiences under our belts.

I have found myself in the last few years trying to go into situations like that and listening for something I haven't heard before, or paying attention to the way I feel when different things are done. I notice things I haven't noticed, and I come away with a new and deeper understanding of what is present within each piece.

Tonight's service ended when the choir sang their last song, the last candle had been extinguished, and all the lights in the church had been turned off. But, it was just before 7:30, the sun had not yet set, and sunlight was streaming through the windows, illuminating the "dark" sanctuary. For a moment, I kept hoping that at the moment that the last light was turned out, the sun would sneak behind a cloud and we would all be shrouded in darkness. However, after a moment, I came to a different understanding - it was almost as if the sun was there to say that some lights cannot be extinguished - and that even - or perhaps especially - in the moment of Christ's death, he was still present.

The light shines on.

And the darkness cannot overcome it.

That is all.

And that is everything.

Bring the Rain

I sit here today at work and am having trouble focusing. Partly I think because of the weather, partly because...well, I don't know. One of my flourescent lights went out this morning, I got to listen to about 20 kids sing "If You're Happy and You Know It", and just heard someone talk about how painful childbirth is. Pretty much anything can happen or be said in a church. So, never a dull moment. It's been over a month yet again since I posted, and so much has happened that I don't even know what to talk about. I'm not generally one to use this as a "this is what my life is in detail" thing, but I don't really know what else to put. I feel like I sorta have to get all the random stuff out before I can start doing specific stuff again. So, this is what you get.

The weather has been amazing, and I've been out riding my bike a lot lately, which is awesome. I had forgotten just how much fun it is, and it's a nice way to see parts of town that I wouldn't otherwise see. Well, amazing up until the last day or two, that is...now it's supposed to rain for a week. The snow is gone though, the frass is actually turning green, and the temperatures have been anywhere from 40 to almost 80 in the past two weeks, so plenty of variety.

Lent is still going on, which means Wednesday nights at church are comprised of our confirmation kids and their mentors. I love seeing the sanctuary full of the pairs after the service is over, watching them carry on conversations, and seeing some of them there for a good half hour just talking. Who said kids and adults can't understand, and dare I say, even appreciate each other?

Palm Sunday is this weekend, Holy Week is next week, and Easter is just a week and a half away. Wow. March disappeared in the blink of an eye, and summer is remarkably close. Weird.

March was full of a lot of crazy stuff...and most of it just kinda seemed like recovering from all of the random stuff that happened in February. Things are slowly settling back down. March held a lock in, first communion, new members...my first shot at giving a sermon, lots of meetings, the first day of spring, daylight savings, a chance to meet a former pastor, and lots of decisions. Sights are focused on the end of the school year, the end of the confirmation year, summer plans, and surprisingly enough, even the beginning of the next school year. It was a good month...perhaps even great--there was just something about all that happened that made it so.

I am currently reading perhaps one of the best books I've read in a while - Blue Like Jazz. I can't believe I waited so long to read it after having it suggested to me by so many people - but I'm kind of glad I did. It just seems to fit my thought processes lately. I'm not even quite half way through it, but already love it - the author has an amazing talent for making you think and see things in a different way. And actually, I think some of my next few posts, if I get around to doing them like I want to, will be about points made in that book. It could be a lot of fun I think.

Here is one thought, and then I think I will be done, because I'm having trouble remembering a lot of what has happened as of late. It's been a lot of random stuff...

Out on one of my bike rides the other day, I headed out to one of the parks in town that has a couple trails running through some woods. It was 75 degrees, bright sun, and for all intents and purposes...it felt like summer. As I was riding through the trees, I saw a butterfly, which I guess surprised me more that I was seeing one at the end of March. It flitted around for a while, and I wanted to see if I could snap a picture of it. Finally, it landed on a branch, and I got a little closer look at it...and realized that it was missing a good chunk of one of its wings.

I didn't notice when it was flying, going about its business. It didn't seem any different than any other butterfly I'd ever seen. But, it was broken. Not whole.

Did it matter? I don't know. I found myself wondering if the butterfly was in pain, or if it had felt pain when its wing was torn. If it did, you wouldn't know. They don't talk, after all, and it wasn't acting any different than any other I'd seen.

So, I tried for a while to take a picture that showed the broken wing, and half succeeded, but then it flew off down the trail. I now have that picture as the wallpaper on my computer, I guess to serve as a reminder. Of what, I'm not totally sure yet. Perhaps it is a reminder of how some people hide their pain, or ignore it at least. Perhaps it is a reminder of how we can still be okay even if we are broken in some way. And perhaps, in some way that I don't yet understand, I saw something of myself in that butterfly, whether it was what I have just described, or something different altogether.

Either way - I am going to end with the lyrics from a song by MercyMe called "Bring the Rain" - fitting because of the weather...and perhaps fitting anyway.


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty,
Is the Lord God Almighty

It is nothing short of amazing how God's timing is...just after posting my last entry...I turned on K-Love (radio station) on my computer, and this is the song that was on...

as I said..."you don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all that you've got....


Strong Tower
Kutless

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way
I go running to Your moutain
Where your mercy sets me free

Chorus:
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the nidst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul



Amen.

Follow your heart....

If anyone would have told me a week ago that this past weeks events would have taken place the way they did, I don't think I would have believed them. I mentioned in my last post that I couldn't believe all that had happened in the past month, and now that same sentiment is echoed for me for the past 7 days. Conversations with staff, hearing about things happening in the community, and the death of the family member of one of our staff, plus some other smaller things that just make the situation even more complex, and you get a snapshot of just how much can take place...and change...in just a few days.

Life in general seems to have been thrown for a loop. Take a look at the news for the Twin Cities area, and you learn that there were three head on collisions in three different parts of the Twin Cities, on three different successive days. Each one involved a car or vehicle crossing a median, striking another vehicle head on, and each one resulted in a fatality. Stuff like that isn't supposed to happen, right? And of course, it's always to someone else...until it's not.

How do you respond to such events? I don't know why, but this situation has made my head spin...I just seem to be having a hard time putting everything into perspective. Everything is happening around me, to people around me, and I am involved by association, but not involved at all. It's very strange, and I feel so helpless...and called to act at the same time. But, I don't know how.

I heard a quote the other Sunday in church that went something like "you don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." It seems almost cliche at times like this...but I think part of the reason it seems cliche is because we have reached the point where we know it is true, and are scared to accept what it means. To accept this statement means that we have suffered loss - but for this statement to be true, that is utterly and totally necessary - we must suffer the loss of others, the loss of time, and the loss of self to be able to come into what this statement is truly saying to us.

Those moments in life where we are taken down to the skeleton of what we are show us more than ever what we have truly become. We either fall apart entirely, or we learn that the support that holds us up is made of more than what we have created for ourselves. It has been created through our own destruction, and is rebuilt on what remains after each successive demolition of who we are.

This again is a very scattered post...and more an effort of trying to get questions down that have been rolling around in my mind than an effort to find an answer to everything. Hopefully, some of them will come with time, until then, they remain as questions.

If you do what you've always done, then you're gonna get what you've already got

I can't believe it's been over a month and a half since I last posted. That seems like an eternity, and a LOT has happened since I last posted too. It's been a rollercoaster, although, truthfully, there are few periods of life that aren't. At least for me. That is not to say that my life is constantly either really good or really bad...just that a lot of different stuff is always making me rethink the way I look at life. It's fascinating, really, even now, for me to look back just over the last two months at all that has happened...and particularly at my attitudes toward it.

Rewind back to January. Christmas is over, and January proved to be far busier than I ever would have imagined. Between activities, meetings (of course all during the same week), and a ministry team that was coming to town, January went by both in a blur, and slow as a turtle. How is that possible? I really don't know...I'm not even going to try and explain it. Part of the turtle-like pace is owed to the fact that on February 1st, I got to head off to Tampa for a youth ministry conference, not only to a place that was a good 70-80 degrees warmer than where I had left from, but also to a time that I got to spend with some of my best friends - staff from the church I worked at during college.

It's funny, because coming back from the week, I was wondering where all the time there had gone, and exactly what I had spent it doing. I mean, I went to some workshops, took part in many different sessions morning and night where we not only got to hear incredible music, but also listen to speakers talk about anything from the Holy Spirit working through baptism in a dumpster full of water to how God can work in a church where the liturgy might contain phrases from Dr. Seuss. Around 600 people were gathered at this "youth gathering" for Youth Leaders, and the mix was nothing short of amazing...it seemed sometime that often only a couple of people separated you from the next person. Hundreds of connections made and understood, and more stuff crammed into your mind than you often come across in 6 months of normal life.

Now, what part of that lit the fire under my butt that has been my driving force since I came back? I don't know. Maybe it was taking commuinion with 600 other people that understood you and your struggles, the names of silly games you could rattle off, or simply what it means to spend your days dealing with and ministering to the joys and sorrows that kids face each day. Maybe it was having time to hang out with and talk to the people I consider to have given me my start and grounding in my ministry. Or maybe, it was simply being open to the possibilities of how God works in people. In reality, probably a combination of all three things.. and a few others that I'm not even consciously aware of.

But with that new "fire" of sorts came a lot of other things - making me think a lot more about my position in all of this. I'm a youth director. I'm 23. I've been in my post for less than a year...where do I fit? I just graduated college, and am in a situation where some of my superiors have been doing their thing for almost as long as I've been alive. I still wonder, a few times a week, how I ended up where I am, what someone saw in me when they decided I should come and work for them, and with them. I feel very fortunate, to have found this job, and to enter in to the dynamic I have, with two pastors that care very much about the youth, care very much about me, and care very much about the church.

All of this is a very roundabout way of getting to what may, or may not really be my point - trying to understand change in the church, how it happens, why it needs to happen, and what happens when that change is either impossible, unlikely, or simply not occurring. How do you tell the difference? There are things that I see happening here now that I wish I could change, or want to see change, and I don't know if I can help that along, be the instigator, or just bring it up. And what happens if I don't bring up the things that are on my mind? What happens if I bring it up and nothing happens? What happens if the things I bring up have been tried, and I'm merely trying to repeat the past without even knowing about it? Now, with all of that said, this place, with what I've seen, is far from stagnant. Things are happening. Things are changing. Things are being done now. When do you reach the point where new ideas, however hopeful, are just not practical? I wish I knew. I left a discussion just the other day feeling frustrated, not at the people at it, but at the situation more than anything...and being frustrated, yet again, at my greenness (if that's even a word). I want to understand more than I do. I hate being inexperienced. I hate knowing there are things I want to do and not knowing how to do them. However, sometimes I feel like that frustration becomes a driving force, or at least it should. I can choose to dwell on that frustration and have it tie me down to the things I know I can't do yet, or I can take it and run with it, use it to grow, to learn, and to move on.

This is perhaps one of the most obscure and fractured posts I have put up thus far - with I don't know how many different ideas, thoughts, and tangents. However, I think I just figured out, or heard, the only way I think I can finish it. Amidst my ranting, I heard on the radio the one song that never fails to make me just stop, take a breath, and smile. This song sums up anything I've said better than I could ever hope to, so if you've made it this far without giving up reading, please take one more minute and read the lyrics to this song, stop, smile, and then move on.

Find Your Wings
Mark Harris

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly...

Chorus



Live. Love. Laugh. Grow. FLY.

Reminders of our purpose

A friend of mine called me from an airport in I think, Detroit today while she was on her way to PA, asking me to help her find something on the internet so she could work on her annual report for this year while she waited for her plane. As I wa looking it up on the internet, I quickly learned that the piece of writing she was looking for, referred to as the Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith, was something I had come across for the first time during one of my summers at camp. One of my fellow staffers had read it as part of a devotion one day. It reads as follows:

The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

They are thought provoking statements - and particularly thought provoking for me - I used them as a devotion that I gave while sitting in the lounge of the church I work at today - interviewing for my position. The words still stick in my head - I can even see the little blue piece of paper they were typed on when I saw them the first time. Along with the commandments, I also used another piece for my devotion - an entry from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers entitled 'Missionary Munitions.' It reads:

"Ministering as opportunity surrounds us. This does not mean selecting our surroundings, it means being very selectly God's in any haphazard surroundings which He engineers for us. The characteristics we manifest in our immediate surroundings are indications of what we will be like in other surroundings.

The things that Jesus did were of the most menial and commonplace order, and this is an indication that it takes all God's power in me to do the most commonplace things in His way. Can I use a towel as He did? Towels and dishes and sandals, all the ordinary sordid things of our lives, reveal more quickly than anything what we are made of. It takes God Almighty Incarnate in us to do the meanest duty as it ought to be done.

'I have given you an example that ye should do as I have done to you.' Watch the kind of people God brings around you , and you will be humiliated to find that this is His way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him . Now, He says, exhibit to that one exactly what I have shown to you.

'Oh,' you say, 'I will do all that when I get out into the foreign field.' To talk in this way is like tyring to produce the munition of war in the trenches--you will be killed while you are doing it.

We have to go the 'second mile' with God. Some of us get played out in the first ten yards, because God compels us to go where we cannot see the way, and we say--'I will wait till I get nearer the big crisis.' If we do not do the runnig steadily in the little ways, we shall do nothing in the crisis."

This is a calling. Now, I felt connections with this while I was interviewing - I guess, to me in a way, youth ministry is a mission field - just one of a different sort. Rather than bringing people across gaps of language and culture and other divisions of time and location, we are bringing them across an age barrier from youth to adulthood, or even from youth to adolescence (and does, interestingly enough, often include bits and pieces of the culture and language - but in different ways).

Do As I Say, Not As I Do...

We are a nation of hypocrites. Now, before you get defensive - think - that doesn't mean that I don't think anyone ever practices what they preach...but, at some time on any given day, we say something that someone should or shouldn't do, and then turn around and do the opposite. My mind trails back to the elections last month - all of the candidates for different offices are constantly sliging mud at each other -- and calling their opponents on speaking out both sides of their mouth seems to be one of the biggest accusations made.

That wasn't what brought this idea about though. I was sitting in worship on Sunday morning, and, as is often the case, there were a couple of children that were being particularly vocal. This went on, and after a bit, the woman sitting in front of me turned around to see who the culprit was -- a few different times - and a look of displeasure was all too evident on her face. Now, maybe it's because I've dealt with kids so much, maybe it's because I've spent so much time in church services, maybe it's even because I'm not a parent myself, that I've gotten to the point where most often I just ignore those outbursts. I guess I also figure that the parent is frustrated enough with a child that doesn't want to be quiet, that they don't need 20 pairs of eyes reminding them that the child in their lap is not quiet.

This went off and on for the next 10 minutes or so...and after the woman had turned around to look a fair few times - something happened - her cell phone went off...during the church service. Her husband sat there shaking his head, and she fumbled around trying to find it so she could turn it off. It was all I could do not to chuckle.

Then, last night, I was chatting with a friend of mine about broken committments, and how bad we feel when that happens. This friend mentioned how she felt even worse because she'd been getting after her boss for doing the same type of thing, and I sat thinking for a moment. My response to her was that all to often, it seems like the things we criticize others about the most are the things we have the most trouble with ourselves - it's a lot easier to fix someone else's problems than our own. Also, when we find ourselves doing those things we detest, we are that much harder on ourselves because we see ourselves in a different, imperfect light.

So, we are a nation with planks in our own eyes, trying desperately to see the specks in the eyes of those around us. Cut others some slack - and cut yourself some slack...after all, no one is perfect.

Living in the technology age

I don't know what I would do without Google. It is something I use now to get info on just about everything - recipes, definitions, translations of words and phrases in other languages, picutres of things for art references, ideas for Bible studies, you get the picture. It seems to be the catchall for things unknown - within reason of course, but it's just always there a click away if I need it.

I know as well as the next guy that you have to take what you find there with a grain of salt, but, there are so many and varied answers for each question, that often all it takes is some comparison and a little bit of background work. But, with all of these answers and all of this information at the tips of our fingers (literally), are we being created as a society that no longer thinks for ourselves, but immediately turns to someone else's ideas to form our own? We're taking a veritable back seat to life if that is the case, and the idea of reinventing the wheel has been done away with all together, it seems instead that we have mass produced the wheel instead to such a degree that our supply will never run out.

I know this sounds like quite an extreme perspective, after all, with the comment I made earlier about having to examine the information we find, it seems that the information is merely a springboard to finding the true information on our own so that we can put it to work for whatever purpose we deem necessary. However, that is assuming that everyone who uses the info actually does consider it. Reality is that everything from our neighbor's personal information to the answers to next weeks test to a copy of that essay on the war in Iraq is available to us, with no necessary work (as long as the price is right).

How then, do we keep ourselves, and others for that matter, from falling into the habit of turning off our minds and letting the existing information be the be all end all of our existence? One thing is sure - make sure when you're surfing the web, the waves of information don't drag you in with them.

Turning the tables

I was lucky enough to find a good job, in my field, right out of college. I know that's not always the case, or even common, and I consider myself very fortunate in that regard. One thing that has been on my mind off and on ever since is the growing trend that seems to be ocurring more and more in the workplace - situations where 40-50-60 something age people have 20-30 somethings as their superiors. That thought was refreshed in my mind again this morning when I went to Starbucks when I was waiting to meet someone.

I saw two girls, one probably middle to late 20's, the other probably late 20's - and a middle aged guy, probably middle to late 50's. I caught the very beginning of their conversation - it was an evaluation of the man by the two girls (they were all employees). A couple sentences caught my ear, and I was trying not to listen, but it sounded like part of the conversation had to do with some improvements that he needed to make. I wondered what was going through the mind of that man, and if any of it had to do with the fact that he had two people half his age telling him that he needed to work on some things.

I've felt the same kinds of things here in the church I'm working at - technically, by title, I am at a different level than some of those who are both older than me and have been here years longer than me, but I don't ever feel like I am -- or want to be -- seen as any higher than any of my coworkers. It's not even necessary - our jobs, though vital to the others, cross in the ministry we do, but we each have our own areas of control. I guess I think of it more in places like restaurants, department stores, etc., where so often now, some of the most powerful managers and CEO's are younger college and grad school "kids" that are "more qualified" than their 40 something counterparts who have more life experience than they could shake a stick at.

Every situation is different of course - the young adults of today have grown up well versed, and almost -- if not totally -- dependent on the ever growing and changing technology present in the world today. This in and of itself is a difference, not to mention that it seems more and more kids are attending either community colleges or doing the 4 year route - in Liberal Arts schools that force them to become the "well rounded individuals" that are sought out in so many workplaces today, where often one of the job requirements is a college education - sometimes in the particular field, sometimes not. This is different from even 10 or 20 years ago.

Now, understand that I am by no means saying that this younger generation is more capable than the generations before them - but that society seems to be creating a niche for them - simply by virtue of growing up in the time period that we did. Many people seem to be going back to college, getting more under thier belts - for reasons of both necessity and personal desire, and the younger generation, already equipped with so many of the skills desired by the workforce, have the advantage of being required to learn and develope the skills as part of their general education - even before they end up in a college somewhere. Now, with all of that said, are we creating a situation where any of this ever be considered a kind of age discrimination? Or is it merely a changing of the times - after all, go back even 15 to 20 years before computers were a staple in almost every home - and that generation had its own set of advantages with the current era of technology that put them above the ones that came before them.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this is even totally true, or if it is just something I have noticed, and because of that, continue to notice each time I see it. What do you think? And, for that matter, what's next?

And with all the saints that have gone before us...

Today is All Saints Sunday - a day devoted to the remembrance of those who have passed away this year. Though anyone who has ever lost someone close to them will tell you that the memories are always there, this day in particular honors their memory in the church as well...their spiritual memories.

The children's sermon in church today caught my interest - our pastor talked about how all of us are saints, not just those who are gone from this earth, and not just those "really really special people" in our lives, but all of us. He illustrated this idea by showing how different items are made holy because God is present in them, such as ordinary bread and wine made holy by consecrating them, and an ordinary book compared to the Holy Bible, because the Bible contains the word of God. My mind flashed back to one of those e-mail forwards that went around a few times called "it depends on whose hands it's in." The premise of the whole thing was that any object would be worth substantially more if it were placed in the hands of someone who was an expert or professional with that object. It's the same idea, although there is a definite spiritual bent on the things outlined in the sermon. Anyone can be in posession of those holy objects, and still they remain holy, becuase their worth comes from something beyond our own human reach.

The memory of those lost, whether good or bad, can create a multitude of emotions. We can feel sorrow, anger, pain, happiness at the good times, regret for the bad. The chain of emotion doesn't stop at the person who lost a loved one, however. It carries on to those who know each of those people - and it can often hurt almost as much to see those friends and family members grieving over their losses as it hurts them to have lost someone. It is almost mind blowing how many people can be affected by a single loss of life. All life is precious, and there is a sort of morbid mystique that surrounds death - because it is something that is so permanent, so irreversible, and so uncontrollable in our human hands.

Kinda rough, take from it what you will.

Birthday Parties

It's been an interesting last coupole of weeks - at work, life in general. October was crazy busy, with lots of different things going on, lots to plan. And now October is gone, November is here, and it's actually pretty quiet - oddly enough. It's foreign to me - I'm not used to having down time. And while I should be enjoying it, instead, I just sit and wonder what I should be doing that I'm not.

I've taken some time to start visiting some of my kids from church during lunch at the high school - something I've been intending to do for quite a while, and finally took the time to do it. I have to admit, I was a little nervous - schools are a culture all their own, and I was nervous about finding my place in that culture as I ventured to the lunch room my first day. However, all it took was for a couple of my kids to get excited as they saw me and waved from across the room, and I knew it was going to be a good visit. Seeing my kids in their element, not mine, is something I think is key in understanding them better. It's fascinating to watch them - it brought me back to my high school days, which, though they weren't that long ago, still seemed like a thing of the distant past. High school is a culture all its own. Everyone constantly fighting for their right at a piece of the pie - I don't know if enough of us realize just how difficult it is to be in high school - and I dont know if we give those kids enough credit for fighting through those years.

And then there's last night. I got invited to be a part of a surprise sweet 16 party for one of my youth. Her friends took her out to a movie and then brought her back to a friend's house that had been decorated and filled with a bunch of her friends. Seeing her face was awesome - and even more awesome to me was her reaction to seeing me there - total surprise. I feel honored to have been a part of that surprise...to be invited into their territory, to be a part of that party. It may not seem like a big deal - but for someone just starting out in a new town in a new church - it really is.

Even more amazing, however, was a conversation I had later on the evening with my pastor and his wife whose home the party was at. The kids had gone outside to run around for a while and I was taking a break in the kitchen and talking to them, one of them thanked me for coming that evening and being around for the beginning of the party when all the kids were full of energy. I was just having fun, watching, and making sure they didn't destroy the house. But it was a comment that came later from my pastor that threw me for a loop the most. He said something to the effect that I had a good balance of being an authority figure and being a friend. Coming from him...that was an incredible compliment. Then as I was leaving to go home and go to bed, he said I was good at letting the kids be themselves - something that is important in establishing trust and good relationships. Those conversations also have a dual meaning to me - it also symbolizes what I consider to be a new level of my relationship to that pastor...something that really means a lot to me.

So...like I said, it's been an interesting couple weeks...I can't wait to see what's next.

Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Confirmation Sunday. Such an important day in the church year - and such a potentially profound one for those being confirmed. I say potentially because I don't know if the youth involved fully grasp what it means. Now, this is not a dig to the youth, I'm not sure if I even completely understood what it meant. It's pretty easy to get wrapped up into the glitz of the day, with the confirmands in their robes, thoughts of open houses with friends and family coming to give their best wishes. And a sort of graduation feeling - it seems that very few confirmed youth remain in the church unless they already have strong connections developed.

But, confirmation is far from an ending - it is in fact a beginning. It is the "Affirmation of Faith" - an acknowledgement of the understanding of their Baptism and of their place as a child of God. It is committment coming full circle - from the promise of the parents at baptism passed on to the promises made by the confirmands - and then branching off in all directions. But, as I mentioned earlier, I don't know how many confirmation youth see it as much more than a day where they pick out a Bible verse and have to stand in front of the church and be recognized.

I think all to often, it's hard to see what's going on when we're in the midst of things. We get too wrapped up in all of the hooplah, the excitement of the moment to really put much thought into it, or at least much thought into what it's doing to us. This is true in any situation like this though - graduation, getting a new job, getting married, starting over in a new area - anything where there is a lot of excitement going on around the situation. Now, I'm not saying that we go into a sort of stupor or anything, but I would say that we are often able to see things only on a purely academic level - we know that there is something big going on, we even know that this big thing means a big change for us - but I don't think the full emotional and spiritual brunt hits us until later. It is not until we make our way through it and are able to look back on the situation that we are able to understand and put all of the pieces together.

What happens when we don't take that time to step back? Some situations force it, at least to some degree - marriage, starting a new job - things that produce very evident changes that require us to live our lives differently than before. But, with things like confirmation and graduation, we aren't necessarily forced to make those realizations immediately. What are we missing if we don't make them until later, or at all?

Okay, slight change in direction. Today also happens to be Reformation Sunday. A day marking a VERY big change - the reforming of the Roman Catholic church. Luther, his 95 Theses - someone who had taken a step back to realized that some of the changes he saw occurring were not right. He took action - spoke out -- and began the process that would eventually create a whole other different church. Changes had been made in the Catholic Church that he didn't agree with...and Martin Luther took the time to see, to understand, and then act out against what he saw happening.

Okay, so, Reformation - real big change for the church - Confirmation - ? Well, though it might not seem like as big a deal, it truly is. It marks becoming an adult in the church - and marks a proclaimed affirmation of the adoption by God that took place at their baptism. Now, like I asked before, what happens if these kids don't step back and take time to understand what their Confirmation means? To me, it means that the opportunity for them to act with that new understanding is taken away. By encouraging them, by finding out from them what it means for them to be confirmed, we are forcing them to act with that new experience under their belt. We are forcing them to act in different circumstances. And, we are helping them to act in a way that is shaped by their faith. It is a big deal - let's help them understand. After all, it's only the beginning.

Time heals all...

Time is a strange thing. Time can go fast or slow, time is eternal. Time makes us age, time can tear people apart, and it can draw them together. The smallest amounts of time can have incredible effects on our lives. One second can mean the difference between life and death. And of course there's that addage, 'Time heals all wounds." But, is it healing that time is doing. or is it simply there to teach us to understand different parts of our life in different lights?

I find it fascinating to look at my past...what little of it is there in the last 23 years of my life. It doesn't seem like a long period of time, comparatively, but so much has happened in those 23 years. Maybe these ruminations come out of me having just had a birthday, or maybe they simply come from the myriad changes that have taken place in my life in the last 6 months...well, last year or so. Either way, I just think it is amazing how lucky, how crazy, how unbelievable things have been.

A year ago I was just a couple months into my senior year of college, working on my senior thesis, woking at a job I loved, and generally happy. I was just beginning to look for a job, and well, I got the chance of a lifetime - a shot at trying for a full time job at the church I'd been working at for the past year. It seemed too good to be true...and I was terrified, and ecstatic at the same time. So, I applied...and I waited. Then I interviewed, and I waited. So many things were going through my mind as I talked to friends and staff about what was going on...and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether or not I was really capable of fulfilling the job duties should I be given the chance. So, I spent lots of time going over all the different scenarios that could result from whatever the verdict was. And then all of the sudden the waiting was over...I was at a camp reunion when the phone call came. I got a message, and the tone voice on the other end of the line was enough...and the phone call that followed was one of the hardest I've ever had. I didn't get the job. I didn't know what to feel - part of me was surprised, part of me wasn't, part of me was fine, part of me was not.

Again, I spent a lot of time thinking - and waiting. Waiting to go back to work, waiting to talk to my coworkers about what had happened, and even waiting to talk to some friends about another potential job now that I hadn't gotten this one. And, more than anything else...waiting to see how I would react when I worked under the person who had gotten the job that I'd been trying for.

I'd like to think that I got over things fairly quickly, and even moved on a couple months later as I met the new employee, and even applied for another job. I really did handle things a lot better than I had expected to, and I think in part, maybe that was what happened as I forced myself to cope - I think sometimes our pretending becomes reality when we realize we are capable of carrying ourselves the way we want to - and even capable of doing things genuinely. I began to understand that I really did believe that things happened the way they did for a reason, and I jumped into my other job search. In the meantime, I had finished my senior thesis, I had fought back and forth with a friend who was a self mutilator, and I was really starting to understand that my college career was coming to a close.

This second job search was a strange one - I'd heard about the opening from my brother first - he'd heard it announced at chapel one morning where he was going to school. I sort of heard it and forgot about it...tucked it away as I was waiting to hear on other options. Then, a month or a month and a half later, I found it again, this time posted on a job website. Also, about two days before, my mom had asked me if I'd applied for it. So, on a whim, I applied, sent in my resume, and waited. Basically in my mind, this job was an indicator...if I got it, that meant I wasn't supposed to take a job I'd been offered at home, if I didn't get it, I was supposed to pursue that job. But the waiting this time around was a lot different...a few days later, I got a call from one of the pastors, asking me if I had any questions, and telling me that someone would be calling me for a phone interview in a couple of days. Then I had the phone interview, a week later I had a first interview, a week and a half after that I had a second interview, and a week after that, I got a call offering me the job. I was sitting listening to a jazz concert, took the phone call, went back, and didn't say anything to any of the people I was with. I was kind of in shock. 5 weeks before I had applied...and now potentially had a job...two months before graduation. I told my best friend in the car on the way home...and over the course of the next week or so, the rest of the people I worked with at my current church found out the news too.

The response startled me...an incredible amount of excitement the day after...and I was still trying to decide at that point. But standing in my senior pastor's office, with all the other pastors and half the staff, seeing their excitement, I knew at that moment, though I didn't understand it, that I knew I needed to take the job. I didn't necessarily know why, and the thought of leaving this family scared me, but I knew it was what I needed to do. So I called the church back that afternoon, a full day before I said I would, and accepted the position.

The two months that followed were a blur as I talked to my new staff for the first few times, finished up my last few classes, and tried as hard as I could to suck up every bit of insight and information from those around me in hopes that I would be better prepared for my new job.

Leaving that church was one of the hardest things I've done...I had truly found a family and some kindred spirits there. But, those same things that made it so hard to leave also prepared me for what was to come--not so much because I knew what I was doing, but because I knew I had all of them standing behind me.

Now fast forward five months. I've been working and living in my new community...for better or for worse...and mostly for better. I love my new job, even though it's constantly filled with challenges. Any time I think I've got a handle on things, I get thrown for a loop, but honestly, I don't think I'd have it any other way.

But, as I mentioned earlier, much earlier, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had a chance for the first time to visit my college home a couple weeks ago, and got a chance to sit and talk to a good pastor friend of mine at the church I left, and had a discussion with him that made me think even more, but on a totally different tangent. A few days before I'd come to visit, I was talking to another friend from there, and was asked if I was ready to come back yet. My answer surprised even me - no. Yes, I miss everyone like crazy...but, even if I was given a shot at that job again, right now, I wouldn't take it. I couldn't. I have a connection here - several of them, actually, though I don't understand all of them. And, just tonight, I came to another realization. Though there are days that in my head I think I should want to come back, I know in my heart and soul that I don't. I miss my family there...but I belong here. Which leads me to the end of my convo with my former pastor - he followed my musings by answering with, 'you know what--I think that's a calling. I think you've found a calling there, and that's why you feel this way.' I was shocked, honored, amazed...all of the above. Partly because I feel like that is something I've been searching for for so long, and didn't find until I stopped looking so hard for it, partly because I think it's scary for me to have a calling and not feel like I have everything I need to fulfill it, but mostly because it made perfect sense.

It may seem I've gone a long way off my original point, but actually, I've finally arrived at it. Being able to have the feeling of being called makes my perspective change on so many things. It makes me understand how I can be content here even when I don't feel like I should be. It makes me understand why I need to go through difficulties here. It makes me understand period. It made me see in a new light. The old wounds are still there...I can remember them, I can even feel them sometimes when I think about them. But, I see them differently now. I understand why they had to hurt, and I understand why I had to undergo them in the first place. And I've got some wicked scar stories to tell too. :)