Coming Back...

Dr. House: "She has God inside her - it would have been easier if she'd had a tumor."



Dr. Wilson: "Maybe she's allergic to God..."



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Sister Augustine: "Celebrate and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again..."



Dr. Chase: "The prodigal son..."



Sister Augustine: "He'll be waiting for you, when you're ready..."



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Tucked in a corner...

Short story - take it for what you will.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I turn my head, crane my neck, strain to hear the faintest music I've ever heard. Someone has to be playing it - oh - maybe it's just the church bells down the street.

It's ironic - if it's the church bells, that is. I was there last week...I'm not sure why. It had been a while, and I remembered why it had been that long. No one notices when you never come. Well, until you come back, anyway. I had wandered through the doors the day before I came to the church service - had found them open and walked into the sanctuary. Light was streaming through the windows, but it was empty. Totally devoid of life - and something in that image reverberated so deeply through my own body that I felt I had to return the next day. Any attachment I had ever felt to that building and its people had disappeared years ago. But I still came back...

People don't care when you leave - I don't think they ever really saw anything in me anyhow. Just some less than well dressed throwback. They all tried so hard - well, some of them did - to hide the stares that burned into the back of my head. I saw.

But no one ever asks questions. They just assume. No one cares about history - life stories - failed attempts at love - failed attempts at life. I wasn't always like this - but life really doesn't care about the before, about the once was, about the used to be. Only people do.

I came back, stood, watched people smiling around me. It's just as well - the only story people ever want to hear is their own. I wish I could hear mine - it's been a while. Instead, it remains trapped inside my head - the only place it's ever known - the one place I wish it would leave. I sit here at my desk - yeah, I do have one.

But you wouldn't know that. It's not part of your story. The church bells are gone now - or whatever music it was. Maybe I was imagining it. Or maybe I just really wanted to have heard it...

Author unknown...

Not a normal post...but there is something haunting about it that I just can't shake...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I don’t know what’s left.

I can’t tell what’s going through his head. “The leader meeting was the only impassioned thing I did yesterday!” he said after not being able to recall the other meetings, the worship…

“You can’t look at one day and write the rest off as worthless.”

I was in a room with him, the kids were there, and there were beds off to one side. The room looked something like our gym at camp. The youngest boy was there with his dad…I’d been asleep and had woken up. I spent part of the night listening to Father “teaching” son how to put things into the computer, but really, he was talking to himself. He was talking out loud to himself, I think to convince his mind, and his heart, that the decisions he was making were real…and were right. I’d woken up and had walked past the room they were sitting in – his wife was across the hall.

I know things aren’t right – but I also don’t know what I can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him speak his mind in front of his colleagues.

Damn you, Mr. Ed.

Oh yeah – then there were the rats…tons of them in cages like we were in one of the animal barns at the fair. There were chickens too – and a little palomino horse that was trying her damndest to get away. The janitor sat there watching. Knowing that what was going on wasn’t the way it should have been, but refusing to help any more than was necessary to keep chaos from setting in. The mother of the girl with the horse got up when the little mare started to panic and the janitor turned with an “I told you so” smirk of sorts on his face – but there was sadness there too. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen those two emotions together before. Is that what guarded contempt means?

And there was a storm. We were at a camp again – part of the youth there were my canoe kids, and three other younger kids – the pastors kids - were there too. I remember having each of their hands…edged up against the wall as the wind howled – when we’d looked out minutes before, there were at least three tornadoes headed straight for us. We sat and the wind got louder, the ground shook – I told the kids to put their hoods up, and I honestly thought that I was going to die. We were alright though – even after two rounds of it. I think I remember watching some of the walls in front of us fall.

And then, a roll of thunder pierced the silence of the cloudy morning, and I rolled over in bed. It was 8:11.

I will not make the same mistake that you did…

What have we become...

The week begins. You walk into the bathroom only to find that the bottle of shampoo that was full two days before is almost empty, not to mention lying in the bottom of the shower. You know who did it, go find them and yell at them, and they don't care. Then, you go tell your parents - who roll their eyes and shrug it off...making you even more incensed. Clearly, they don't care about your plight...and like your good for nothing brother more than you.



Now, all of this would be fine if the siblings in question were ten and twelve. But when they're both in their mid twenties...well...that's another story altogether. What is the parent supposed to think when their 24 year old daughter comes to them whining that their older brother (they both still live at home) stole something of theirs? I know parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, but there comes a time when you really just have to let them "fight their own battles." The parents see the potential (however well masked) in both of their children, but what did they do wrong that they haven't yet succeeded in raising a self sufficient child?

Our Hearts and Prayers Go Out...

So, I am sure there are hundreds of other people that decided to post a blog entry about the collapse of the I-35W bridge. It is a tragedy of unbelievable proportions. As I sat watching the news last night and keeping up with the constant updates on various websites, I couldn't help but be transported back to 9/11 and watching the events unfold on the TV. While this tragedy wasn't as big and didn't affect as many people, news of it still traveled across the country at magnificent speed, and it still shocked thousands. The 50 cars that now sit in the Mississippi serve as reminders of those who managed to survive the collapse, and also serve as reminders of those that are still missing.

It is an amazing thing to hear the stories of those that wasted no time in rushing to the aid of those around them. The internet and news are flooded with stories of modern day heroes that pulled victims up on the banks, sat with those waiting for help, and risking their lives to get others out of harm's way. It is also amazing to hear the stories of those who had close calls - who had driven over the bridge moments before its collapse, or those who just happened to choose alternate routes or who had car troubles that may have seemed troublesome at the time, but meant that they were kept just far back enough that they missed that fateful moment. I think it is also a miracle in and of itself that the bridge was under construction at all - the tragedy could have claimed twice as many victims if the entire bridge had been open.

However, many did not. Many were affected, injured, and even killed as the bridge fell 64 feet to the river. Some families are still waiting to find loved ones - and with no way of knowing how many cars were on the bridge or who was in them, it is a wild goose chase as hours pass and the search slowly changes from one for survivors to one for the bodies of the victims still trapped under the wreckage.

So, as the president prepares to come to Minneapolis, as the mayors and senators speak words in an attempt to console those affected and to move forward despite the recent events, and as the community, state, and country try to wrap their minds around what has happened, I can't help but feel that this is another reminder of those tragic hours we spent watching the twin towers collapse. It may not have been an act of terrorism, but it doesn't take someone trying to hurt others for awful things to happen. We pull together and look for ways to support our neighbors. We pray, and we hope that we can come to accept and understand that we live in a world where evil exists, yet still believe that hope and renewal are present for us as well.

So our hearts do go out to those affected by this tragedy - may our prayers and kind thoughts encircle those who are in pain, and support those who risked their lives to help. God bless them.

For Granted...

I am so blessed.

I grew up in a home where there was always food on the table.
I have eaten too much (many, many times).
I have been angry at my parents (because they kept me from doing things that would hurt me).
I had pets growing up.
I got to go to school.
I was forced to do my homework.
I had lots of toys (but didn't get everything I wanted).
I went to church almost every Sunday.
I went to college.
I sometimes buy things I don't need.
I always have just enough money leftover for the things I do need.
I have a cell phone.
I can call my parents whenever I want.
I have a bed.
I have a microwave.
I have a car.
I can change my clothes five times before I decide what I'm going to wear.
I can look in my fridge and decide nothing looks good, then order a pizza.
I can drive down the road and pick up a gallon of milk.
I have too many blankets.
My parents still make me call sometimes to tell them I made it home alright.
I've been overseas.
I've traveled to 18 different states.
I had to to homework until 2am some nights while I was in college.
I can run.
My friends are only a phone call away.
I get to teach kids about God.
I can go to church on Sunday morning.
I've thrown away food.
I've eaten an apple that I picked off a tree.
I've seen a moose in the wild.
I have seen more beautiful sunsets than I can remember.
I have drank water that came from a gorgeous lake in the boundary waters.
I had to pay $106 for a doctor visit.
My computer had to get fixed a month after I bought it.
I have five lakes within walking distance that I can swim in.
I woke up this morning.
I can flip through the channels on my TV and not find anything to watch.
I have air conditioning in my car, my office, and my apartment.
I have a car, an office, and an apartment.




Hey all. If you happen to read this post and make it this far, I would like to request that you post a comment and add your own list. It should be things that you are able to/have to/get to do that may seem insignificant, but are little reminders of just how lucky and fortunate you are. God Bless - pass it on.

Afterthoughts...

So, I'm home now, I've been home for three full days, I've been back to church, and more or less back to normal (although I still haven't had a full day back at work - soon). It was strange how long it seemed to take to reacclimate myself to normal life this time - I have done my fair share of wilderness and camping trips, although this one could perhaps win the prize for most rustic for the longest amount of time. Is it having lived a very simple life with so few people for a full week, or is it having been gone the bulk of the month of July on vacation and trips? I'm still not really sure about that one.

Life at home seems more or less on a regular track...I have spent most of the last three days holed up in my apartment though...partly out of laziness, partly out of wanting to read (and finish...YAY!) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I think I spent 5 hours today finishing it...give or take...at least 4 hours. Now I wait for others to finish so I can actually talk about it to them. Bah.

Tomorrow (well, today I suppose as it is 12:30am) is my first full day back to work...should be a quiet week. I will be tying up loose ends from the canoe trip, answering e-mails, and getting reorganized so I can start thinking about the upcoming school year a bit more. I head off - again - the end of this week for a couple days, as there are kids at Good Earth Village Camp this week, and I want to make an appearance there. Then I think the last big thing I should have for the summer is a personal trip to the Twin Cities for a weekend for a music festival with some friends.

I have a sermon to get ready for this weekend, which I am excited for despite the fact that I really haven't put a ton of thought into it up to this point. I know that the text is on the Lord's Prayer, and also contains the ask-seek-knock passage that is so familiar (and is one of my favorites). I'm excited to start reading through the commentaries, as I already have some vague ideas in my head about where I want to go with it, again, strange, as I haven't read the text in close to a month. So we'll see.

As far as thoughts on the trip now that my brain has had time to process...I think I have to call it largely a success. Wilderness trips are not without their struggles and difficulties, and I think we handled ourselves pretty well. Talk about the trip seems positive, and I think the kids came back with the feeling that each of them did things they wouldn't have considered themselves capable of doing. In my book, that's positive. I think very few trips occur where there is no drama, so all in all...yeah. It was good.

Build me up, Buttercup.

Readjusting - part 3

Tuesday - This is where I stopped keeping a regular journal, so this is mostly going to be from memory. The girls were getting tired, and over the course of the day, it was pretty evident that we needed some time for the girls to just unwind and relax. It was our second longest paddle, from Spice to Ogish, to Jasper, to Alpine, and to the west edge of Seagull, where we would be spending the bulk of our time. We got to camp relatively early, so we had lots of time to cool down and chill. We swam for a while, and then had mandatory nap/quiet time, and then did some solo time. Our campsite was amazing - the one corner of it was a big rock, and the GL was a good quarter mile from the main campsite. We had our quiet time, and got to think about what it means to listen for God's call, what joys come from it, and what struggles come from it. Here is what I wrote: (I think I'm better at writing than speaking.)

Listening for God is more than sitting in a room by yourself waiting for Him to come to you. Instead, it is a willingness to open yourself up to the possibility that God is present where we are. It means changing our perspectives and accepting the reality that we are already instruments of God - able and ready to do His work.

Listening to God means accepting responsibility when we feel ourselves being directed toward a need that must be filled. It means being willing to step outside our comfort zone and realize that we must fill the need whether we have the gifts to fill it or not.

Joy in the calling comes when we find ourselves strengthened to the point where we are able to fulfill our calling. God makes us capable of rising to the challenge if we only believe we can.It is easy to become overwhelmed when we look at the tasks set before us. However, what can be even more frightening is realizing we are able, or even willing, to rise to the challenge of a need that we know we cannot fill alone. Yet we still feel an undeniable need to do so. We are frightened by what we might discover, and come to realize that we have not been living to our full potential.

Look at the ripples that your foot creates when you step into a great body of water. Only then can you begin to understand the extent to which God is able to use you. Your actions will reach far beyond what you would imagine possible.

Finishing reading to the group was a lot of stares and "wow's", I guess I kinda thought that might happen, but I really felt called to say it, even though I wasn't looking for praise. I spent my solo time away from everyone else, down the shore farther on a rock away from the group.

One of my favorite metaphors was one Laura made - the picture of silence as a pregnant woman, then something beautiful is birthed of it. Bonhoeffer had a lot to say about silence too, and often mentioned that some of the most beautiful and profound sayings came out of silence.

The evening was a glorious but tense one - bipolar, if you will. Supper, or part of supper was not received well by the group - Mac n cheese, fry bread (a different kind), carrots, and cheesecake. Everyone ate the mac and cheese, but the fry bread was rejected, as was the cheesecake. That led to a lot of argument and frustration on the part of the girls and the leaders, and our lactose intolerant and milk allergic leaders ended up eating most of the things that had milk in them. Yikes. We headed that night after bringing our supper with us up to watch the sun set, responded to by one of the girls by saying, "what, it's just a bunch of clouds and sun..." It really was gorgeous though. We finally finished out the evening, and began the journey to what would be probably the most difficult day of the trip.

Wednesday - Rock climbing day. We began the morning on the wrong foot...a lot of arguments and complaints about the breakfast for the day...malt o meal. No one wanted to eat it, which frustrated the leaders yet again, and the girls...what a way to start the day. After many arguments and eventually packing out two cups of the stuff, we were on our way. We cruised over to find a campsite, and after unsuccessfully checking some of them, we ended up back at the first one we stopped at, and then packed our day bag for rock climbing. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves there, and were challenged and pleased with their success. We got back to camp, washed off a bit, and then the leaders headed off for water. It looked like rain, so our job was to set up camp and get things taken care of.

This was the testing night. I was left with the group of girls to set up camp, and one of our number didn't like that idea. So, after an interesting talk and some exchanged words, we went on in silence. It took the better part of an hour, but we eventually got things squared away, and the girls got the night off...acting like nothing had happened. Laura and Maren and I opted to make supper ourselves so as not to create more drama, and it was a WONDERFUL night. I got a chance to bond with the leaders and laugh some, and so did the girls. We spent a long time staring at a 5 legged grasshopper, a dragonfly nymph skeleton, and the water. Sunset that evening was amazing, and we spent the better part of an hour on a rock talking before the mosquitos took over. It was a good end to the evening, and we went to bed with the knowledge that it could be a very early morning - watching sunrise at the Palisades...which meant getting up and packing up camp at 4am. Ew.

Thursday - the final day. We ended up not getting up that early, it was pretty cold and looked cloudy. We got up around 5 and packed up camp, and then headed back for our last paddle. Back at camp around 7:45, we unloaded packs and canoes, cleaned them, and after a few more quarrels, finished our work. We scrubbed canoes, liners, and packs, put lifejackets and paddles away, and then took our gear up to the brigades. We packed some, took showers, and did debriefing, then went to the camp store. After many long goodbyes, lots of pictures, lots of laughs, and a surprise candy bar present :) , we loaded up and departed...a bittersweet end to the trip.

We stopped in Grand Marais for a pizza lunch at Sven and Ole's, and then headed for the journey home. It was pretty uneventful, and we were all happy to be on our way back to our homes and beds. Everyone seemed to have had a wonderful week despite the polarity of reactions and comments that came out of it, and comments of "I rock climbed FOR REAL this week" and "I learned how to portage a canoe!" and "I saw six moose!" were heard throughout the SUV.

It was a wonderful, stressful, beautiful, tiring, growing, unbelievable week.

And I even made it home without being tired. (Then I crashed...and probably slept more in two days than I did all week.) :)

Readjusting - part two

Sunday - Day one out on the trail. We woke up bright and early for breakfast on our own that morning (cold cereal, rolls, and apples), and got ready to head off. We brought our packs down, put our extra stuff in the brigades, and got fitted with life jackets and paddles. We headed down to the beach for some paddling exercises, and then learned how to portage the canoes together (the group was really good at this!). After learning a bit about the Boundary Waters themselves, we loaded up, got our paddling buddies, and took off. Oh yeah! I almost forgot - another had joined our number - Maren. She was volunteering for a few weeks, and because we had a smaller group, she came along with us. After a slow start as we learned how to stern and bow the boats, we cruised on to our first campsite, one of the longest paddles we would have on the trip. The route for the day consisted of heading across Seagull, the biggest of the lakes we would be in (and the one that camp is located on), then on to Alpine, Jasper (where we stopped for lunch), Kingfisher (the puddle jumper!), and Ogish, where we stayed the first night. Tensions were high that first day as the girls tried their hand at paddling and portaging for the first time, our first ratings for the trip (one at a three out of 10), and some tears and frustration at the other members of the group. I think most of that was just simply an adjustment to the difficulties of canoeing after a couple days of very laid back camp life. (On a side note - I, who had never before solo portaged a canoe before, did it FOUR times that day! The guides couldn't believe I'd never done it before...go me!!)

We survived though, and made it to our campsite, where we set up and then enjoyed the water for a while. One of our girls decided to try the lifejacket diaper style, which entertained all of us for a long time - between her looking like a flower or some strange bug, and watching her try and get out of the lifejacket while she was still in the water, we spent a long time laughing and snorting until our bellies hurt.

Evening meal was chicken and dumplings, probably the most successful out of the week's meals, and the one where we worked most as a group. Chicken mess, buiscuit like fry bread, and brownies for dessert. We ate like queens and cleaned our plates. We cleaned up, had a bit of a rainshower, and did Last Word sitting together on a rock in the water, ending the evening in silence. A couple crabby girls, some challenges to the authority, and a night of cramps for me, and we made it to morning.

Monday - A gorgeous morning. I sat on a rock by shore for a while and watched minnows eating water bugs, listened to loons calling, and peered up at a cloudless blue sky. It was another adventure, of course.

It was an easy paddle on Tuesday, as we didn't have very far to go. We got up, packed up camp, and made breakfast of pancakes and applesauce. It was a bit of a tense morning, but nothing we couldn't handle. We got back on Ogish and headed to Spice Lake, just a teeny lake off the north shore of Ogish. We set up camp, which was easily one of the more exciting parts of the day - as we were setting up our tents, Laura came over and started making wild motions at us to be quiet and follow her - our setting up had startled a mother and two baby moose into the water, and we watched them swim across the lake. Soooo cool. We also saw two of the biggest spiders I've ever seen on a log along shore, and a frog, and some strange tube creature...not sure what that one was. Then, almost immediately after packing a day bag, and headed for Eddy Falls in two canoes, 4 people each. The route for the day was Spice, Ogish, Annie, Jenny, and across part of Eddy Lake - the falls was between South Arm Knife lake and Eddy. We ate lunch by the falls, and then hopped into the water, cold, but very refreshing. We played for a long time in the pools, splashing, showering, walking around, and snapping pics. Everyone was at an 8 or better - some even at 10's.

We headed back and did a silent paddle and two silent portages, where I learned how to do a two person lift without talking. We headed for Ogish and met some fishermen on the way to the "Jesus Rock" - a rock that just broke the surface of the water right in the middle of the lake. When Laura asked them where they were from, they said southern MN, crazy. But, where in southern MN? FAIRMONT. Weird. A Franzen, and a Makala or something like that - what are the odds!?! We talked to them for a while, they took our picture, and we headed back to camp. We picked tent groups and put on dry clothes and then started supper. Only a couple outbursts from one of the girls this time, otherwise, a fairly calm evening. Supper was stroganoff, hashbrowns, and no bake cookies. We rounded out the night with back rubs and did Hot Seat. then, off to bed.

Alright, in an effort not to have this post be all you can see on my page, I'm going to break this up again, and start with Tuesday on the next post.

Readjusting...

Two days after returning from the boundary waters, and it still feels strange to be back in civilization. I can't remember feeling like this the last time I took a trip of this sort, perhaps because it was too long ago, or perhaps because this is one of the longest stints I've done in one shot of very rustic camping. I am beginning to understand Laura's comments about it being hard to remember to flush toilets (neither the camp, and defininitely not the campsites, have flush toilets, they're all latrines and GL's (government latrines - wall-less latrines). And I can't imagine doing that for a summer, I noticed a culture shock after one week. It makes me want to experience that way of life for longer - there is something powerful about realizing how little one can actually live on.

Now some more background - I just spent the last seven days in the boundary waters northwest of Grand Marais, MN, with a small group of girls on an adventure trip. We left last Friday and returned on Thursday - it's going to feel weird to go back to work tomorrow and again on Tuesday. I'm going to do my best to tell the story of the trip here, and recap each day as well as I can remember it.

Friday - I woke up at 3:50 am, my goal being to get ready, grab my last minute things, and pick up one of the girls on the way to the church to meet the rest of the crew. I left my apartment at 4:27am, picked her up, and was at the church a little after 4:30. The girls showed up one by one, and after hugs, well wishes, and a prayer, (we had packed the trailer the night before - an act of pure genious) we actually made it out of town by 5am...my goal. We watched the sun rise over I-90, and stopped in Albert Lea (our first bathroom break of many). One of the girls found a moth that entertained us for a bit, and then we embarked on 4 hours up I-35. We made it past the cities, stopped for gas and grabbed some breakfast in Wyoming, MN, and headed for Duluth. It only took us 5 hours to get there - and then we were off to Grand Marais, about another hour and a half. We stopped in Grand Marais for lunch at Subway (where I learned to back up the trailer), and then took a little time to call parents to let them know we'd made it that far, mostly because cell phone coverage was uncertain the rest of the way up, took a step into Lake Superior (captured on my digital camera), and then phoned the camp to let them know we were on our way. We took off up the Gunflint Trail, and a roadside potty stop, three moose, and an hour and 20 minutes later, we arrived at the camp as rain started to fall. We met Laura, our guide, and loaded our gear on a pontoon and ourselves into a Northland canoe, and paddled to the main camp. We gathered ourselves and our gear and headed up to our cabin - Beavertail. After claiming bunks, we headed off to Pinecliff, where we played Apples to Apples until supper, had a delicious pasta meal, and then went back to the cabin. We had Last Word that night in the form of a Bluegrass version of the Holden Evening Prayer service...bleah. A cool concept, but not well executed...the leaders didn't know the whole thing well, and none of us knew it at all. We headed back to the cabin, and chatted a little about the next morning, then heard a story about Agate the Moose, and went to bed (or at least tried...the girls weren't tired because they'd slept on the way...I, on the other hand, was exhausted after being up for close to 20 hours).

Saturday - Next morning was First Word bright and early at 7am...then breakfast, then orientation. First was Health orientation, then Nature orientation, then Swim and Swamp - where we learned how to get a flipped canoe righted and brought back to shore. We dried off and headed to lunch, ate, and then helped with dishes. We were about to start our work day (finally), but then it started to rain, so we helped out in the kitchen for a bit instead. The rain subsided after a while, so we headed up to one of the former buiding sites to clean and pick up the rubble, and after about an hour at that, it started pouring. We ran to one of the staff cabins and sat on the floor, where we ended up laughing so hard we were crying after telling stories of the previous night's excitement - one of the girls talking/walking in her sleep and looking for plug-ins that she and her sister couldn't find - and asking Laura for help. Eventually, the sun came out again, and we finished up in time to head to supper, with hopes of a dip in the lake afterwards to wash off the layers of soot and dirt that we had accumulated. Our plans changed a bit after learning we were going to do the Bluegrass worship again, so rather than a dip, we headed down to the dock to wash off faces and legs and arms instead. Then it was back to the cabin to pack, and sleep to be ready for the next morning.

Installment one...more to follow tomorrow.

Nothing Special...

I jot notes down a lot as I listen to sermons on Sunday morning. Here are a few of my scribblings:

Discipleship - it sometimes means no place to hang up your hat, or even no hat to hang - in fact, you may end up hanging on a cross as [Jesus] is about to do...

Don't hide behind other people's expectations if you commit to following Jesus.

When's the last time you asked someone how their faith is today?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If we know who holds the final hour, we don't need to be anxious about the next moment.

You are the light of the world...and of your church...

Church Lighting

Several centuries ago in a mountain village in Europe, a wealthy nobleman wondered what legacy he should leave to his townspeople. He made a good decision. He decided to build them a church. No one was permitted to see the plans or the inside of the church until it was finished. At its grand opening, the people gathered and marveled at the beauty of the new church. Everything had been thought of and included.

It was a masterpiece. But then someone said, "Wait a minute! Where are the lamps? It is really quite dark in here. How will the church be lighted?" The nobleman pointed to some brackets in the walls, and then he gave each family a lamp, which they were to bring with them each time they came to worship. "Each time you are here' " the nobleman said, "the place where you are seated will be lighted. Each time you are not here, that place will be dark. This is to remind you that whenever you fail to come to church, some part of God's house will be dark."

That's a poignant story, isn't it? And it makes a very significant point about the importance of our commitment and loyalty to the church. The poet Edward Everett Hale put it like this:

I am only one,
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something I can do.

What if every member of your church supported the church just as you do? What kind of church would you have? What if every single member served the church, attended the church, loved the church, shared the church, and gave to the church exactly as you do? What kind of church would you be?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I get something every once in a while through my e-mail called 'sermonfodder' that I believe is put together by a pastor and sent out once a week or so. Usually there is a funny story or set of quotes and then a more serious story, and this just happened to be on the last one I received.

I read through it a couple of times and found it very profound, not simply because of the image it presents, but because of how convicting it is. I am a very firm believer that a person does not truly get all they can out of their church life until they actively participate in the ministry that goes on there. That doesn't mean that they have to spend all of their free time volunteering, but simply that they take an active role in something that they have gifts in and contribute to those that they share with in the church family.

However, I also found it convicting for another reason. "What if every member of your church supported the church just as you do? What kind of church would you have? What if every single member served the church, attended the church, loved the church, shared the church, and gave to the church exactly as you do? What kind of church would you be? " This last part said almost more to me than the entire rest of the story. Though I am not a pastor, I am still a church ministry leader and play an active role in the life of the church. A couple of Sundays ago, my pastor preached a sermon and made a comment towards the end that referenced keeping people accountable for their faith. He added that sometimes it is hardest for him in that respect, because as a pastor, most people don't question his faith life on a regular basis. That really hit home for me, primarily because I have found myself so wrapped up in "doing church" that I ignore my own personal faith. That's not to say that I shut everything out, but simply that I don't take the time I should to look at and understand how the things I am seeing, doing, and hearing are impacting my own spiritual growth.

Here is a call to everyone, churched or not, leader or not - to take time for yourself. But don't stop there. Through finding ourselves, we then find out how that "self" fits in to the world around us. Take time to kindle your fire, and then add your ember into the great and glorious fire with those around you.

The week in review - back to the homeland.

As I typed the title of this blog I chuckled to myself - I guess back to the homeland refers both to my heading to Fargo for the 4th and to my current perch in a Caribou coffee shop on the way back home. I spent the last days driving all over central and northern MN and ND, and oh what a glorious journey it was. The trip began with a trek to Sibley State park near New London, MN - the second annual summer camping trip with my friend and I. We camped from July 1-4th, and it was a bit soggy for most of the trip. That didn't stop us, however, from finding plenty to do and enjoying ourselves a great deal. Fishing, biking, cooking hobo dinners, spying on turkeys, getting the heck scared out of us by whatever woodland creatures were lurking in the trees surrounding our campsite - a well rounded trip. The rainy days were spent poking around Spicer, playing cards at the top of Mt. Tom, watching movies, and taking a peek at Green Lake Bible Camp, where we enjoyed tremendously the lillies planted outside the offices.



Another highlight of our camping trip trip (or mine at least...) was finding (and catching!) a skink (little somewhat snakelike lizard, for those of you who were wondering...) on a walk at a nature center we stopped at. It managed to do a pretty good job of frightening my friend, who is afraid of snakes and thought that's what she had seen, after which I went looking for said snakes and found the two reptile friends. After seriously considering the possibility of a new pet, I let the scaly visitor return to its home and went on my way.

On the morning of the 4th of July, we packed up camp and headed for Detroit Lakes, where we spent the afternoon with a friend of ours (and one of my former coworkers) and their family at a lake home. (There were a buttload of cops out that day due to the area we were in, and also the date, and I managed to get followed by an unmarked cop for the better part of a few miles.) I made good use of the water trampoline, tubes, and lake in general, and despite not putting on sunscreen (an incredibly stupid move...can we say lobster), had a wonderful time. I even got to do some waterskiing (which I hadn't done in 2 years or so), and managed to get up on the 4th try. After some lunch and goodbyes, we headed up to Fargo, dropped off our stuff, and then headed over to the park for a picnic of fried chicken. Yum. Being in the park was an adventure in itself - owing to the beautiful weather, everyone else in Fargo appeared to be there also. We staked out a spot and chowed down, and even got some dinner entertainment - a family next to us was shooting fireworks right in front of three parked cop cars - not a smart move as it is illegal within the city limits.

The fireworks that night were great - they shoot them off in Moorhead at the college - so it's basically a field and stadium full of people watching together. Some really awesome fireworks too. We rounded out the night with slushies, and headed home to bed.

I spent the last two days running around Fargo/Moorhead - getting a haircut, visiting friends, having lunch dates, helping my friend out at work, and just enjoying myself. Friday night - my last night in town, was at an amazing jazz concert put on by some of the Fargo South High kids - it was wonderful. Then, Saturday was time to go home - but not before a stop in the Twin Cities to see a friend of mine, and a stop at home to share the fudge I'd bought at the Russel Stover Outlet in Owatonna. MMmmm.

So thus ends my crazy road trip - 7 days and 850 miles later. What a ride. I think I need an oil change now...once again I've reached the miles faster than the time... :) But what a great reason to have done it.

Now, off to the Boundary Waters... :D

Hop on the boat...

I had such an awesome day yesterday - rekindling an old friendship - I am constantly amazed and feel very blessed when I stumble across one of those relationships that might not be a best friend, but something clicks - you get each other - and you can be apart for months or even years, but you can get back together again and it's like you were never apart. We had coffee and talked for a long time about our lives and what's happened in the past year and a half, lots of stories, lots of change.

We went to see Evan Almighty also - definitely would recommend seeing that movie. It's very thought provoking - particularly one line when "God" is talking to Evan's wife Joan (Joan of Ark - hehe), and she is struggling with the fact that her husband seems to have lost all touch with reality - sitting in a restaurant with her kids after leaving to move in with her mother until things blow over. He asks her, "Let me ask you something: if someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience, or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" Her face changes - and she starts to reconsider. She had prayed for her family to get closer, and failed to see what was happening right in front of her eyes.

We always want something to be handed to us, and forget to look at what is right there - we are being given answers by God all the time, but fail to see them because we are expecting to see one specific thing. God does not work within boundaries. God does not work within time constraints. God works in ways that force us to change our attitudes and preconceived ideas about the way our lives - and life in general - are supposed to run.

A few weeks back one of my pastors preached a sermon about dead men walking - It was a play off of one of the stories where Jesus ressurects a man. Jesus had gone to a town called Nain, and ressurrected a woman's son. (Luke 7:11-17) He went on to talk about the "dead men walking" right around us every day - kids with life the life sucked out of them, young adults that walk around like zombies because society has drained them of the joy they had - they are being forced to grow up too fast and to deal with things that children shouldn't have to deal with. This happens in the church as well - things happen, and we slowly start to lose the vibrance and life that we had because we sink into ruts and keep expecting hand outs when we aren't contributing anything of our own.

Jesus didn't act out of sympathy. He didn't speak teary eyed with cliches - but rather, he calls upon his authority as God's son. We can do the same. We must act with compassion. No one deserves God's love. NO ONE. But God looks upon us with compassion - and JUST GIVES LOVE. We are to do the same thing. We must shake ourselves from our stupors that life has put us in, and move. Live. Love.

SEE THE JOY!!

He Touched Me - Hymn

Shackled by a heavy burden, 'neath a load of guilt and shame,
Then the hand of Jesus touched me, and now I am no longer the same.

He touched me, oh He touched me.
And oh, the joy that fills my soul,
Something happened and now I know,
He touched me and made me whole.

Since I met this blessed Savior, since He cleansed and made me whole,
I will never cease to praise Him, I'll shout it while eternity rolls.

He touched me, oh He touched me.
And oh, the joy that fills my soul,
Something happened and now I know,
He touched me and made me whole.

Amen. SEE THE JOY!!

A Day in the Life...numero cuatro

I almost am not sure even what to put here for today - it's been amazing. I had so much fun at dinner tonight - an hour and a half long "conversation" with the counselors and Mitsu and Alli that had us all rolling - evil elmo, dancing monkeys with bright pants, and the peanutbutterjelly time banana doing the salsa in people's brains. Add that to conversations about special brownies, songs about photoshopping love, and other random episodes, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. It was wonderful. This week has been such a great thing for me - and I am so glad I let myself enjoy the time I spent here...or at least got my mind off work enough to enjoy it.

Tonight was the mime that the staff puts on...and I found that the prevailing thought in my head was one that centered around wanting to feel the joy and fire that those who come to know Christ through adversity feel. We truly do have it easy, and I don't think I know what it really means to thirst for God the way they do. I want that feeling, I want that renewed passion and hope that I feel like I've lost some of. It was beautiful and thought provoking, a wonderful end to the week.

We spent part of the afternoon watching the weather and trying to see if it was going to storm on us - turns out all we really got was a lot of wind and a few drops of rain. I got up early enough this am to see the sunrise - it was gorgeous and I got a few beautiful pictures of it also. I ran into Mitsu on the way back and got to talk to him a bit, got my tye dye back, and headed up to staff devo time. That was also really cool...Pastor Alan talked about what it meant to be a water bearer for Christ - and that we may not get to see all of the changes that take place because of the miracles that are performed, but we do get the privilege of knowing that miracles are happening. The story of 4 funerals and a wedding, and the two weddings...Isaac's wife, and the wedding at Cana. We are truly blessed to be asked to carry out God's work, though it may be difficult at the time, the things we learn from taking part are unbelievable.

Tomorrow I go home, and I pray now and continually that I am able to take some of my excitement back. This truly was an amazing week that I got to share with incredible new friends...Camp is indeed a spirit filled place...Praise God for it.

A Day in the Life...numero tres

So, I am ready for bed and I learn that my parents and grandparents are both under severe thunderstorm warnings AND tornado warnings...ugh...I am really hoping it's all just a scare...I just got done saying this evening that I was bummed that I haven't seen a tornado before, but I always put the tag on it that I don't want it to be coming anywhere near me... the same is true of my family. Yikes.

This post is late, and while it is true that I technically missed a day, it was only by 5 minutes. I really had a lot going through my mind today - a lot about people. The arts and crafts/drummer guy here at camp has been on my mind...and what his life is like below the surface. He's known around camp as something of a crazy presence, which he is, but I have to wonder sometimes what and who he is when the craziness isn't around - and for that matter, if people take the time to realize that there is another side to him than what they see 90 percent of the time. His history is both fascinating and and interesting, and he's been at camp here doing his thing for at least 15 years. It's been so much fun to talk to him this week - he is remarkably passionate about what he does. When he plays his djembes and drums, you can tell that he is feeling the music when he plays, completley lost in it. He loves teaching arts and crafts, "hobnobing with the kiddos," etc. And just hearing his perspective on things at mealtime conversations and, I dunno, I really have a heart for him, and really hope others take the time to listen to him and to see below the surface. I'm going to miss seeing him when I leave this week...he's a great guy.

I got home Tuesday night to find that one of my camper's grandma had died. It was odd not being there for it...but when I got back Wenedady morning, she seemed alright - given the circumstances. She left not too long after lunch though, and should be back Wed. afternoon.

Yesterday was beautiful, I got a chance to hop in the lake for a bit, do some tye dyeing, and rock out to some worship songs. I also went to Bible study with my girls, which was cool and made me think (post about that to follow later) The camper talent show and camper led worship was that evening also, and despite an interesting choice of joke and some rowdy kids, it was pretty great. We left worship after being cooped up in chairs for two hours, and i was so wound up I could hardly sit still. We went down to the dock last night after dark and watched the lightning off in the distance for a while, then came back and had a conversation about the changing face of youth ministry - and what our kids really need - and how we give that to them.

I love camp.

A Day in the life...numero dos

Alright, so today begins with a recap of yesterday. I am growing to love meals more and more every day - it's a chance to be with some fellow ministry folk and hear stories, crazy, funny, interesting, and well, sometimes just plain wrong. What can you do.

I got a chance to take part in some water games with one of the cabins yesterday which was a blast, and a lot of fun to see the kids work together and have a good time at it. (and our team won - WOO!) The day was good, and after supper, we did something called prayer PARTS (praise, ask, repent, thank, share) which are all different words to represent the way we pray. The overall message was good, however, I think I was a little too preoccupied by a group of kids that thought they would just not pay attention and make fun of basically the whole process. I find sometimes that I have very little patience for the "popular" crew - at least the ones who make it their business to make it known that they are indeed better than those around them. I spent half the evening watching the little cliques move around together and hardly mingle at all with the others. Sad...alas...I'm not in charge...it's not my place.

I got to spend campfire with my girls - that was a blast. I've also gotten to spend a lot of time talking to one of the other sponsors that's here that is almost my same age - it's nice to be able to hang out together. I also really like getting chances to talk to the counselors - I'm back in my element here at camp. It's fun looking at them and remembering my days at camp as a counselor - even though it seems like it was an eternity ago - not just a couple years. Your life was contained in a backpack, worship leading was second nature, being goofy is just expected almost...yeah. What a great place. I drive myself nuts though watching procedure and dynamics and different ways things are done - I think I am doomed to forever criticize the way things are done at other camps. However, I do really like this one - I really think they've got some things figured out.

I've been thinking about how much fun it would be to do something either the tail end of this summer or the beginning of next summer with the kids and doing camp out nights - fires do amazing things to kids. It brings out something in them that you just can't produce any other way - I don't know what it is. But, how cool would it be to have a bunch of kids out, do a game, then sit them down around a fire and do a Bible Study and sing songs? So simple, and yet so powerful...

This morning I got the privilege of leading the staff in a devotion for the morning, and I chose to do one out of a book called Ordinary Joy, which I found at Synod Assembly last weekend and realized it was one that I had been meaning to get. The first story in the book sets the tone for the rest of it - a conversation between a photographer and a student:

"Look closer."

"I am looking closer," I said, frustration rising in my throat. "I've been staring at this bicycle now for two hours, and all I see is a bicycle."

"Then look closer," Rich urged.

I was taking photography lessons from my friend Rich, who, in another time and place, had been a photojournalist. the key to taking interesting pictures, Rich explained, was in learning not to just look at an object, but to see it with fresh eyes, to recognize what is present but unnoticed. Rich gave me an assignment: take thirty-six pictures of the same object. Each composition had to be different, not because of a change in surroundings, but because it reflected a different point of view. Since I was a cycling enthusiast, I chose my bike.

The assignment seemed easy at first: Here's my bike from the front. this is my bike from the back, from the side, here's a view from the top...now what? This was impossible. I squeezed off about ten frames, and I was stuck. There was nothing left to see, no pictures left to take.

"Look closer."

I threw up my arms to make sure Rich knew how unreasonable he was being, again leaned in toward the bike and wondered what he could see that I was missing. "It's easy for you," I grumbled. "You've trained your eyes to recognize beauty. All I see are a few metal tubes and a couple of wheels." That's when I noticed the graphic pattern the spokes made as they flared out from the wheel hub, intersecting each other in a pattern called 'lacing.' I grabbed my camera and moved in tight for a close-up. Glancing toward the handlebars, I realized how gracefully the brake cables curved and how interesting they were from this angle. Soon I could see how bits of dirt and grease clung to the chain, creating miniature mountain ranges.

Rich taught me a fundamental principle of photography that day: Look closer. If you want to see beauty, learn to view ordinary things in new ways.

*****************************

Life's joy reveals itself not only as we encounter a Savior who weaves himself into the fabric of routine living, but as we act on his invitation to rediscover the significance of serving him in ordinary ways. The most inconsequential detail of a servant life carries with it all the power of God's grace, for Jesus transforms the ordinary things we do into something more.

"Look closer," my friend reminded me. That's pretty good advice. Rather than seeing the ordinary as something to be avoided or a source of discontent, look closer. Peer deeper. Joy arrives when you discover God's fingerprints on the surface of each day.

-Excerpted from Ordinary Joy by Joe Campeau

Now, this afternoon I am home for a while, and back again tomorrow. See the beauty. Everywhere.

A day in the life of...numero uno

So, I'm off at camp. And I just decided that it would be a good idea for me to write a post every day that I'm here, since it seems that part of my coming to camp (at least in my own head) is a chance for me to be able to remove myself a bit and just have time to be, to think, to relax. I am getting there - I've still got one thing hanging over my head that is making it difficult to let go of work and of life at home, but with any luck, I'll be done with it (at least mostly done) by today, and then I can really let go.

I got to go out on a bike ride today for just a little while, and I managed to find a little beach in a state park and I walked along it in my bare feet for a while. The water was so clear - a far cry from the murky ones at home. I'm hoping that later on this afternoon if the sun comes out, maybe I can sneak away again and go for a swim.

This morning was really good, although I didn't get a chance to go for a run like I'd hoped I would. Sleep just sounded so much better... but I got up, had breakfast, and then spent the better part of an hour hanging around and talking with 4 of the other sponsors that are here at camp with their kids. We talked about books, our churches, people, all kinds of things. One of the guys that is here is originally from Australia, so it was interesting to hear some of his input on things. I am also always amused by hearing the conversations pastors have with one another - it cracks me up. Stories about church horrors, funny things that happen, crazy people, other crazy pastors - so funny to listen to. I guess that's what happens when you put a bunch of leaders in a room together - they compare. I suppose just about anyone does that though, myself included...

May the Lord bless us and keep us...no matter what...

What happens when someone tells you to dream what a staff would be like if you could start over from scratch - with a blank slate - from the beginning - ? Is that even possible? Where is scratch - where is the beginning? Who should get to be a part of that process? Can those whose roles fall within the parts being redesigned accurately see what needs to be different? Can we do it without those people?



Is it even possible to wipe a slate clean? After all, it would seem that pretty much everything makes a mark these days - and often the marks are lasting. Some will fade with time, but rarely is an occurrence ever completely forgotten. And, for that matter, beginning a new era - or ending an old one - leaves a mark all its own.

**************************************************************************************

If someone would have told me that the outcome of the above scenario would have happened the way it did, I dont know if I would have believed them. I still don't know if all of it has sunk in yet...I still sort of feel like it's a dream, that the part of my life this surrounds is just locked in a haze or something. And in all honesty, it probably is kinda hazy - did it really only happen a week ago? Is that even possible? It seems unreal that it's only been a week, that it's been a week, that it even happened at all, that so little has happened since IT happened...

I've been so busy since that I've hardly had time to even deal with it - I feel like I am almost as guilty as everyone else as shoving it onto the back burner...or completely off the stovetop. I talked to one of the bearers of bad news yesterday for the first time since the deed was done, and he asked me how I was doing, and I told him that I've been so busy that I haven't really had that much time to think about it, and he replied by saying, "well, maybe that's good." All I really wanted to do was look him in the eye and go, "yeah, that's exactly it. It has gone so 'seamlessly', namely because unless I am totally wrong, the 'seamlessness' is only by virtue of the fact that HALF THE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW ABOUT IT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still wonder if people really understand what it is they've done...

In the blink of an eye...

It seems like just yesterday there was snow on the ground...and I don't know why, but today for the first time as I was looking outside...I started noticing just how green the trees were getting, and how green the grass was...I think it just took me by surprise because I am a fairly observant person...and either the trees changed overnight...or I am seriously slacking off.

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

The lyrics above are from a song by MercyMe called "In the Blink of an Eye." I've heard it probably 20 times at least...but I never really knew the words...especially the ones in the second verse. They do such a good job of summing up how I feel lately - Sometimes I feel disappointed,
By the way I spend my time, How can I further Your kingdom, When I'm so wrapped up in mine - I feel like I've been wasting everyone's time lately...and my own. I feel like I haven't been fair to the kids I minister to - because I haven't been putting my heart into what I'm doing. My attitude toward what I've been doing has been so selfish...I get frustrated thinking the thing I do is going to fail because I won't have enough kids at it, and then I don't plan for it well enough, and then I get frustrated at myself...it's this vicious cycle..and I need to get myself out of it.

So...what does all of that mean then? I'm not sure. #1) I can't wait until summer is here. However, my summer is crazy busy too...so I'm not sure how many of my goals and random projects I will get done. Oy. #2) I really need to look at how I am spending my time...and remember that working at a church doesn't count for keeping my own faith life in check. #3) I need to search out people that I can learn from and grow from...some that are around here.

Just another day...

Mercy and Grace...

I had a chance to see something beautiful tonight. Or rather, several beautiful things. Today is Good Friday. I've always found that name so strange - since it marks the death of Jesus on a cross - a cruel, senseless death. But, it truly was, and is, a good Friday - for things do not come from nothing.

Jesus' resurrection could not have taken place if it weren't for his death. Plain and simple. It seems clear that this was the only way we could receive such a gift - though many may argue that it need not have been so gruesome.

I said earlier that I saw beautiful things today. Perhaps a better way of putting it would have been that I was made aware of the beauty of things tonight. As I sat tonight in our Good Friday service, I was in awe. I left my apartment thinking that I was already getting churched out with holy week, and by the time the choir had sung the first song of their contata, my attitude had changed. I listened to the music, heard the words of the passion story read, saw the candles going out one by one as the moment of Christ's death came closer in the reading...and found myself close to tears a few times. I saw the beauty in the way the choir sang, saw a mother brushing the hair out of her child's face, saw the beauty of a conversation with a friend. And even after the service was over, people just seemed to be very at ease - smiles and conversations were seen everywhere. And when I finally left the church...even then I found myself thinking back to different parts of the service - and of the drama I was able to witness the evening before - a last supper drama put on by men from our church - a first time shot that drew a crowd of over 700.

I catch myself thinking sometimes that I wonder if things like Easter, Lent, even Christmas at church will lose their meaning as I see them more and more. After all, within reason of course, things are the same every year - we always have a candlelight service at Christmastime. We always have a Sunrise Service on Easter. We always strip the altar on Maundy Thursday. Things like that - and yet, I feel like I would feel lost without their presence. That is because our attitudes and outlook change every year, and we see each thing with different experiences under our belts.

I have found myself in the last few years trying to go into situations like that and listening for something I haven't heard before, or paying attention to the way I feel when different things are done. I notice things I haven't noticed, and I come away with a new and deeper understanding of what is present within each piece.

Tonight's service ended when the choir sang their last song, the last candle had been extinguished, and all the lights in the church had been turned off. But, it was just before 7:30, the sun had not yet set, and sunlight was streaming through the windows, illuminating the "dark" sanctuary. For a moment, I kept hoping that at the moment that the last light was turned out, the sun would sneak behind a cloud and we would all be shrouded in darkness. However, after a moment, I came to a different understanding - it was almost as if the sun was there to say that some lights cannot be extinguished - and that even - or perhaps especially - in the moment of Christ's death, he was still present.

The light shines on.

And the darkness cannot overcome it.

That is all.

And that is everything.

Bring the Rain

I sit here today at work and am having trouble focusing. Partly I think because of the weather, partly because...well, I don't know. One of my flourescent lights went out this morning, I got to listen to about 20 kids sing "If You're Happy and You Know It", and just heard someone talk about how painful childbirth is. Pretty much anything can happen or be said in a church. So, never a dull moment. It's been over a month yet again since I posted, and so much has happened that I don't even know what to talk about. I'm not generally one to use this as a "this is what my life is in detail" thing, but I don't really know what else to put. I feel like I sorta have to get all the random stuff out before I can start doing specific stuff again. So, this is what you get.

The weather has been amazing, and I've been out riding my bike a lot lately, which is awesome. I had forgotten just how much fun it is, and it's a nice way to see parts of town that I wouldn't otherwise see. Well, amazing up until the last day or two, that is...now it's supposed to rain for a week. The snow is gone though, the frass is actually turning green, and the temperatures have been anywhere from 40 to almost 80 in the past two weeks, so plenty of variety.

Lent is still going on, which means Wednesday nights at church are comprised of our confirmation kids and their mentors. I love seeing the sanctuary full of the pairs after the service is over, watching them carry on conversations, and seeing some of them there for a good half hour just talking. Who said kids and adults can't understand, and dare I say, even appreciate each other?

Palm Sunday is this weekend, Holy Week is next week, and Easter is just a week and a half away. Wow. March disappeared in the blink of an eye, and summer is remarkably close. Weird.

March was full of a lot of crazy stuff...and most of it just kinda seemed like recovering from all of the random stuff that happened in February. Things are slowly settling back down. March held a lock in, first communion, new members...my first shot at giving a sermon, lots of meetings, the first day of spring, daylight savings, a chance to meet a former pastor, and lots of decisions. Sights are focused on the end of the school year, the end of the confirmation year, summer plans, and surprisingly enough, even the beginning of the next school year. It was a good month...perhaps even great--there was just something about all that happened that made it so.

I am currently reading perhaps one of the best books I've read in a while - Blue Like Jazz. I can't believe I waited so long to read it after having it suggested to me by so many people - but I'm kind of glad I did. It just seems to fit my thought processes lately. I'm not even quite half way through it, but already love it - the author has an amazing talent for making you think and see things in a different way. And actually, I think some of my next few posts, if I get around to doing them like I want to, will be about points made in that book. It could be a lot of fun I think.

Here is one thought, and then I think I will be done, because I'm having trouble remembering a lot of what has happened as of late. It's been a lot of random stuff...

Out on one of my bike rides the other day, I headed out to one of the parks in town that has a couple trails running through some woods. It was 75 degrees, bright sun, and for all intents and purposes...it felt like summer. As I was riding through the trees, I saw a butterfly, which I guess surprised me more that I was seeing one at the end of March. It flitted around for a while, and I wanted to see if I could snap a picture of it. Finally, it landed on a branch, and I got a little closer look at it...and realized that it was missing a good chunk of one of its wings.

I didn't notice when it was flying, going about its business. It didn't seem any different than any other butterfly I'd ever seen. But, it was broken. Not whole.

Did it matter? I don't know. I found myself wondering if the butterfly was in pain, or if it had felt pain when its wing was torn. If it did, you wouldn't know. They don't talk, after all, and it wasn't acting any different than any other I'd seen.

So, I tried for a while to take a picture that showed the broken wing, and half succeeded, but then it flew off down the trail. I now have that picture as the wallpaper on my computer, I guess to serve as a reminder. Of what, I'm not totally sure yet. Perhaps it is a reminder of how some people hide their pain, or ignore it at least. Perhaps it is a reminder of how we can still be okay even if we are broken in some way. And perhaps, in some way that I don't yet understand, I saw something of myself in that butterfly, whether it was what I have just described, or something different altogether.

Either way - I am going to end with the lyrics from a song by MercyMe called "Bring the Rain" - fitting because of the weather...and perhaps fitting anyway.


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty,
Is the Lord God Almighty

It is nothing short of amazing how God's timing is...just after posting my last entry...I turned on K-Love (radio station) on my computer, and this is the song that was on...

as I said..."you don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all that you've got....


Strong Tower
Kutless

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way
I go running to Your moutain
Where your mercy sets me free

Chorus:
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the nidst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul



Amen.

Follow your heart....

If anyone would have told me a week ago that this past weeks events would have taken place the way they did, I don't think I would have believed them. I mentioned in my last post that I couldn't believe all that had happened in the past month, and now that same sentiment is echoed for me for the past 7 days. Conversations with staff, hearing about things happening in the community, and the death of the family member of one of our staff, plus some other smaller things that just make the situation even more complex, and you get a snapshot of just how much can take place...and change...in just a few days.

Life in general seems to have been thrown for a loop. Take a look at the news for the Twin Cities area, and you learn that there were three head on collisions in three different parts of the Twin Cities, on three different successive days. Each one involved a car or vehicle crossing a median, striking another vehicle head on, and each one resulted in a fatality. Stuff like that isn't supposed to happen, right? And of course, it's always to someone else...until it's not.

How do you respond to such events? I don't know why, but this situation has made my head spin...I just seem to be having a hard time putting everything into perspective. Everything is happening around me, to people around me, and I am involved by association, but not involved at all. It's very strange, and I feel so helpless...and called to act at the same time. But, I don't know how.

I heard a quote the other Sunday in church that went something like "you don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." It seems almost cliche at times like this...but I think part of the reason it seems cliche is because we have reached the point where we know it is true, and are scared to accept what it means. To accept this statement means that we have suffered loss - but for this statement to be true, that is utterly and totally necessary - we must suffer the loss of others, the loss of time, and the loss of self to be able to come into what this statement is truly saying to us.

Those moments in life where we are taken down to the skeleton of what we are show us more than ever what we have truly become. We either fall apart entirely, or we learn that the support that holds us up is made of more than what we have created for ourselves. It has been created through our own destruction, and is rebuilt on what remains after each successive demolition of who we are.

This again is a very scattered post...and more an effort of trying to get questions down that have been rolling around in my mind than an effort to find an answer to everything. Hopefully, some of them will come with time, until then, they remain as questions.

If you do what you've always done, then you're gonna get what you've already got

I can't believe it's been over a month and a half since I last posted. That seems like an eternity, and a LOT has happened since I last posted too. It's been a rollercoaster, although, truthfully, there are few periods of life that aren't. At least for me. That is not to say that my life is constantly either really good or really bad...just that a lot of different stuff is always making me rethink the way I look at life. It's fascinating, really, even now, for me to look back just over the last two months at all that has happened...and particularly at my attitudes toward it.

Rewind back to January. Christmas is over, and January proved to be far busier than I ever would have imagined. Between activities, meetings (of course all during the same week), and a ministry team that was coming to town, January went by both in a blur, and slow as a turtle. How is that possible? I really don't know...I'm not even going to try and explain it. Part of the turtle-like pace is owed to the fact that on February 1st, I got to head off to Tampa for a youth ministry conference, not only to a place that was a good 70-80 degrees warmer than where I had left from, but also to a time that I got to spend with some of my best friends - staff from the church I worked at during college.

It's funny, because coming back from the week, I was wondering where all the time there had gone, and exactly what I had spent it doing. I mean, I went to some workshops, took part in many different sessions morning and night where we not only got to hear incredible music, but also listen to speakers talk about anything from the Holy Spirit working through baptism in a dumpster full of water to how God can work in a church where the liturgy might contain phrases from Dr. Seuss. Around 600 people were gathered at this "youth gathering" for Youth Leaders, and the mix was nothing short of amazing...it seemed sometime that often only a couple of people separated you from the next person. Hundreds of connections made and understood, and more stuff crammed into your mind than you often come across in 6 months of normal life.

Now, what part of that lit the fire under my butt that has been my driving force since I came back? I don't know. Maybe it was taking commuinion with 600 other people that understood you and your struggles, the names of silly games you could rattle off, or simply what it means to spend your days dealing with and ministering to the joys and sorrows that kids face each day. Maybe it was having time to hang out with and talk to the people I consider to have given me my start and grounding in my ministry. Or maybe, it was simply being open to the possibilities of how God works in people. In reality, probably a combination of all three things.. and a few others that I'm not even consciously aware of.

But with that new "fire" of sorts came a lot of other things - making me think a lot more about my position in all of this. I'm a youth director. I'm 23. I've been in my post for less than a year...where do I fit? I just graduated college, and am in a situation where some of my superiors have been doing their thing for almost as long as I've been alive. I still wonder, a few times a week, how I ended up where I am, what someone saw in me when they decided I should come and work for them, and with them. I feel very fortunate, to have found this job, and to enter in to the dynamic I have, with two pastors that care very much about the youth, care very much about me, and care very much about the church.

All of this is a very roundabout way of getting to what may, or may not really be my point - trying to understand change in the church, how it happens, why it needs to happen, and what happens when that change is either impossible, unlikely, or simply not occurring. How do you tell the difference? There are things that I see happening here now that I wish I could change, or want to see change, and I don't know if I can help that along, be the instigator, or just bring it up. And what happens if I don't bring up the things that are on my mind? What happens if I bring it up and nothing happens? What happens if the things I bring up have been tried, and I'm merely trying to repeat the past without even knowing about it? Now, with all of that said, this place, with what I've seen, is far from stagnant. Things are happening. Things are changing. Things are being done now. When do you reach the point where new ideas, however hopeful, are just not practical? I wish I knew. I left a discussion just the other day feeling frustrated, not at the people at it, but at the situation more than anything...and being frustrated, yet again, at my greenness (if that's even a word). I want to understand more than I do. I hate being inexperienced. I hate knowing there are things I want to do and not knowing how to do them. However, sometimes I feel like that frustration becomes a driving force, or at least it should. I can choose to dwell on that frustration and have it tie me down to the things I know I can't do yet, or I can take it and run with it, use it to grow, to learn, and to move on.

This is perhaps one of the most obscure and fractured posts I have put up thus far - with I don't know how many different ideas, thoughts, and tangents. However, I think I just figured out, or heard, the only way I think I can finish it. Amidst my ranting, I heard on the radio the one song that never fails to make me just stop, take a breath, and smile. This song sums up anything I've said better than I could ever hope to, so if you've made it this far without giving up reading, please take one more minute and read the lyrics to this song, stop, smile, and then move on.

Find Your Wings
Mark Harris

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly...

Chorus



Live. Love. Laugh. Grow. FLY.